Empathy and Awareness of Others’ Feelings: How Can My Friend Be So Lacking?
Reader’s Question
I have a great relationship with my brother, who is also my friend. He is looking for a good girl, but because he is so picky he does not date many women. He lives overseas, is 40 years old, and does not currently have a girlfriend.
When I visit my brother, I frequently also visit a friend of mine who lives nearby. This friend will invariably ask my brother if he has a girlfriend. If my brother were to say that he does, the friend would be so surprised, and would certainly ask more questions. Last Saturday, my friend asked my brother: “What do you do on Saturdays if you have no girlfriend?” He also asked my brother why he hasn’t gotten himself a girlfriend. He even pressured him about whether he still plans to raise a family one day. I know my brother would like to have a good girl and start a family some day, so that kind of talk really causes him some pain. But he does not want to make a scene, so he politely tries to change the subject. But my friend will come back to that subject anyway.
I personally thought that last Saturday, my friend crossed the line by pressing the issue too far and for too long. I was horrified to see him essentially making my brother very uncomfortable. So, I told him he had been really inconsiderate of my brother’s feelings. He said he did not know he had been (I have a hard time thinking someone would not know how insensitive he was being). And afterward, he asked me if there wasn’t something wrong with my brother because he seemed so unhappy. I think my brother simply had enough of being scrutinized and judged, and that’s why he was unhappy. My friend did not get that (or did not want to get it).
What is wrong with my friend? Why does he act like that? I am very curious to understand this kind of insensitive behavior.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Although there are some rare and troubling individuals who lack the capacity for empathy, most of us have at least some capacity to identify with another person’s feelings. However, people vary considerably in the level and intensity of empathy they possess.
For empathy to be appropriately experienced and expressed, you must first be “aware” of the other person’s feelings and concerns. Some people are just plain “oblivious” to the signs that others are experiencing certain emotional responses and that those responses might in fact be connected to behaviors on the other person’s part. Empathy also requires sensitivity. Research has shown that being sensitive to the wants, needs, and desires of another is very highly correlated with the ability to put yourself in their place and to assess what they are likely to be feeling.
Without empathy, it’s hard for us to really understand and show appropriate regard for others. This is probably what has you perplexed about your other friend.
Although empathy cannot be simply taught, it can be nurtured and developed. So, instead of simply presuming that your friend ought to have known better and meant to hurt your brother, have a heart-to-heart talk with him about what you perceive to have been his insensitive remarks to your brother. It should make for an interesting and revealing conversation not only because it could prove very helpful in helping improve the relationships between all of you, but also because it will help you get a better sense of what level of empathy your friend presently possesses and what it means for the nature of your relationship with him.
