Unlocking the Love I Know My Boyfriend Has for Me
Reader’s Question
I’m a 24-year-old female from Iran, and I need some help. I’ve had a boyfriend for about 1 year and 4 months now, but he went to Malaysia 6 months ago to continue his education. Although his being away is really hard for me, I am happy to wait for him to finish his studies and return. But since he’s been gone, I feel that he has been backing off from our relationship. He doesn’t show as much care for me as he used to, and that makes me feel really sad.
Some years before we got together, my boyfriend was with another girl for about 5 years. They loved each other, but suddenly she left him for someone else and he really felt bad about it. That’s all he told me about that relationship. But it seems obvious that he couldn’t go through an experience like that again and that he must carry some kind of fear with him about relationships. He keeps telling me that he is not good enough for me (which I believe is not true) and that I shouldn’t stay with him. I’m sure that’s because he feels frightened of being betrayed once more. I know that in his heart he cares a lot about me, and he is really a fantastic person with a brilliant heart — but because of his fears he seems to be running away from me. I think he’s trying to prevent himself from falling deeper in love with me or to ease the pain of being apart.
Please don’t think I’m a selfish person who only wants what’s best for me. I care about his state of mind and heart, and I really want to help him get past the bad experience he had before and start to look at life from a more beautiful window. I also deeply want to gain his trust and show him how much I care about him and how much I can help him make his life better. I am simply asking for the love I know is there (but that he is hiding) to show up.
Please help me figure out what I can do to help him release the love I know he has for me.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Being in love always has its trials and tribulations. You certainly would not be the first person to assume that some fear of loss or difficulty trusting must be the reason for your boyfriend’s hesitancy to display the level of commitment and involvement you want from him. Nor would you be the first person to believe that there must be some magic key that could unlock the door to his heart and free him to love you as you suspect he wants to but is simply afraid to do. You would, however, be the first person to really make such a fantasy come true.
The facts are that you can’t possibly know what your boyfriend hasn’t been willing to share with you. You acknowledge that the only thing he’s told you about his former relationship is that he and his former girlfriend were together for 5 years and that she left him for someone else. You also say that what he tells you about the status of your present relationship with him is that he’s not good enough for you and that you should move on. That’s all you objectively know, and even that is only what he tells you, not necessarily what reality is. All of the rest is conjecture on your part. And your conjectures are more than likely heavily influenced by the love you have for him.
Second-guessing the nature of a relationship is not likely to put or keep that relationship on a solid foundation. And entertaining the fantasy that you somehow can have the power to overcome any genuine fears or insecurities your boyfriend may indeed have is not likely to really help matters any. Deep, trusting, and healthy relationships depend upon mutual regard, sharing, and commitment. You have power only over your end of that. The rest is up to your partner. His actions toward you are a better indicator of the status of your relationship.
You ask what it is that you can do to make things right. Search your own heart for what it is you really want in a relationship and settle for nothing less. Don’t second-guess the mindset of someone else, try to manipulate a situation, or spend your time entertaining dreams of what might be. Be true to yourself. It’s the only way for your dreams really to come true.
