Reader’s Question

I’ve recently had a flood of repressed memories gush forth about my abusive childhood. I now realize after a lot of research that both my parents are most likely sociopaths. My father was sexually, emotionally and physically abusive toward me. My mother married several times during my childhood, and I’ve been sexually abused by two of the men she was involved with. My conscious memories, carefully scripted by my mother, were that life was tough, and that my mother was the only one who truly cared for me (even though, according to her, I was a terrible and difficult child). My mother regularly reminded me that “there was something seriously wrong” with me, and I’ve spent the majority of my life in self-help -trying to “fix” whatever that unknown and elusive “wrong” thing about me was.

Just this week I’ve reconnected with a family member I hadn’t seen in many years. We began discussing things, and she provided me with a much different perspective on my family and circumstances and gave me pieces of the puzzle that filled in many gaps. Now I realize my mother was not the suffering servant she portrayed herself to be but actually encouraged, condoned and committed much of the abuse I experienced. My entire reality has been turned upside down. I truly don’t know how to cope. It seems that everything I once took for an absolute truth was wrong. Do you have any suggestions as to how to accept and deal with this? It feels insurmountable.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Abuse survivors often suffer from a host of mental health problems, including anxiety and depression, in addition to the pain of dealing with unresolved issues stemming from the abuse itself. Coming out of denial about certain aspects of abuse can re-open many wounds and be re-traumatizing in a certain sense.

Ultimately, to be rid of the scars of abuse, a person must find some room for forgiveness and release. In a prior post, I discussed the four stages most folks seem to need to go through to achieve these ends. (See After Past Abuse, The Four Stages of Forgiveness.) Perhaps the only good news in this scenario is that although it is very painful to overcome any denial that has been present (in this case, denial about your mother’s more active role in your abuse), overcoming the denial is a prerequisite to taking the subsequent steps that will eventually allow for some release.

While most folks find it necessary to work through issues related to their abuse with a trained professional, there are some steps you can take to begin the healing process:

• First, accept the reality of what happened. It happened, and that can’t be changed.
• Second, own your rightful feelings about what happened.
• Third, assign responsibility where it belongs. Children do not have the maturity or capacity to cope with abuse by adults. The adults and the adults alone bear responsibility for abusive behaviors. Sometimes, however, children struggle with an unrealistic sense of guilt, often buying into the notion that they are in fact defective in some way or “deserved” their maltreatment, and such guilt can exist at a deeply unconscious level.
• Lastly, understand that letting go of the harmful cognitions and painful feelings associated with the abuse might feel like you’re letting your abusers “off the hook” so to speak, but in reality doing so serves your best interests emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

You might need different types of assistance as you work through the emotional damage from your abuse. That assistance might come from medication, talk therapy, specialized therapy techniques, or more than likely a combination of the above. The most important thing is that you place your personal welfare first and tend to your emotional wounds despite feeling overwhelmed. Counselors who specialize in dealing with trauma survivors know and respect how important it is to pace the healing work you need to do in a manner that lessens the degree to which overcoming your past trauma is traumatic for you in the present.