Reader’s Question

I hope you can give me at least some degree of advice on a big problem. My dad is 80 years old, and my mother 76. My mom has Alzheimer’s Disease. Dad has always been a flirt, but in the past 6-12 months he has really gone out of control. He flirts with his nieces and sister-in-law and my mom’s cousin. He flirts with my friends (I am 47). He is always trying to get women to come to the house when my mom is at the adult daycare. He even tries to get women he hasn’t met who are calling from organizations pertaining to Alzheimer’s Disease to come and see him. One woman told me that he grabbed her when mom left the room, and another time he was rubbing her leg under the kitchen table with my mom sitting right there! Poor mom! The woman is his ex-sister-in-law and one of my best friends. Another good friend told me how he always hugs her and pushes up against her. He makes women very uncomfortable. One woman whom I barely knew and was working on a benefit with, told me that he was flirting with her. I just sort of laughed and said “Oh yeah, that’s dad alright”. She got very angry and said, “Well it’s degrading and rude! You need to tell him to get his act together!” How embarrassing. That was before I knew how bad things were getting.

Things have gone way past the point of embarrassment. I thought if it weren’t paid attention to, his behavior would simply go away. But in fact it’s getting worse. He’s talking to women about sex and flirting so badly that it seems it’s all he thinks about anymore. Even relatives! I am so angry with him, but I just don’t think I am the one who should talk to him about it. I asked my brother to talk to him, and he won’t do it. It’s getting to the point where I am starting to fear that he will end up in some kind of trouble over his sexual behavior. I don’t want to embarrass him, but I can’t overlook how he treats the women around him.

Thanks for your time. I really appreciate what you’re doing on the site. Any advice would be helpful.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You mention two key things. First you mention that your father has always been a flirt of sorts. But most importantly, you mention that recently his behavior has become much more flagrant and to the point that you’re now concerned he might even get in trouble because of it. It’s quite possible, therefore, that although your father has always tended to be a flirt, his out of control, excessive behavior might be the result of some cognitive deficiency that he has developed that’s impairing his judgment and impulse control. He might not have a condition exactly like your mother’s, but he may have similar issues affecting him. And, these days there are some effective treatments available to help, including medications that can help improve impulse control. Because of the awkwardness of addressing these issues directly with him, it might be best to express your concern that at his age he should get a thorough work up with a clinician. If the clinician is a specialist in geriatric care or mental health, and you provide relevant background information, it’s possible your dad can get some needed help and you and your loved ones can be spared greater hardship and heartache.