Reader’s Question

I’m 21 years old and I’m from the Philippines. For a variety of reasons that I will later explain, I still live with my parents. The problem is that I have a big issue with my mother, who is really abusive.

I used to be a battered child, both verbally and physically, and even now I have difficulty trying to forget the lurid memories of my mother beating me. It’s also been hard for me to move on because I still live with her. My mother doesn’t beat me anymore, but she still abuses me verbally. She’s like that with everyone else in the house, too (even my father). She does beat my 11-year-old brother, and I get emotionally distressed every time I see her hurt him because I see myself in him.

After I graduated from college last year, I tried my best to look for a job, but the employment situation in our country is just too difficult. I’d like very much to be on my own but have no choice but to depend on my mother. I also think she’s one of the reasons I can’t get seem to get a regular job. I feel like she wants to control me and lock me up here in our house for good because she needs my help to run the house. I’ve had outside jobs before, but they always seemed to get in the way of her plans, so it just seemed easier to stay at home. Being at home and unemployed just made me more depressed.

One good thing about my mother is that she’s a good provider. She took over our business when it ran into a financial crisis, but I think that this just made her turn into a more controlling person, especially because she has control of all the money. I do appreciate her giving us the things we need, but I’d rather have a compassionate mother than a domineering, controlling, and verbally abusive one.

It’s weird, but I still get the feeling that she will hurt me physically like when I was a child, especially when she has one of her fits. My emotions often get the best of me, and I seem to be always recalling all those traumatic experiences with my mom. I am plagued with these memories almost every night to the point I could cry. Sometimes I think I am a masochist. I just can’t help myself from having these horrible thoughts.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

I’ve posted several articles on the effects of past abuse on people’s lives (e.g., After Past Abuse, The Four Stages of Forgiveness). Perhaps, however, the most insidious consequence of past abuse on a person’s life is the damage it does to one’s sense of self. Often, abuse survivors unconsciously retain beliefs that they are “defective,” weak, ineffectual, or doomed to fail if they try to function in a truly independent way. They are quick to abandon hope when they attempt to venture out and meet with hardship, disappointment, or any degree of failure. Abusers are often “fighters” who seem to be able to handle all difficult situations with tenacity and success. So, it’s perfectly understandable that while you’re living at home with your mother you respect her apparent strength yet cower under her domineering ways, and mistrust your ability to make it on your own.

True, times might be difficult. That doesn’t mean you can’t function independently. You might even experience disappointment and failure. That doesn’t mean that you are a failure or are inadequate. Staying in the abusive situation is a recipe for emotional disaster. And there are ways that you can overcome the scars of your past abuse and not be so continually victimized by traumatic memories. If counselling resources are available to you, especially with someone who has expertise in trauma/abuse survivor issues, by all means take advantage of them. Even if such resources are not available, you can begin to undo the damage by changing the negative self-talk you’re likely to engage in every time you find yourself emotionally succumbing to verbal abuse. Instead of entertaining thoughts that you can’t make it on your own or that you might even be a masochist, tell yourself that you have managed to educate yourself, that you have talents and skills, and that although you don’t have the power to make life easy, you have the ability to survive and prosper if you don’t give in to negative feelings about yourself.

The real healing from abuse comes from really discovering your own worth and power. That’s not likely to happen if you allow yourself to remain in your present situation.