Reader’s Question

Am 32 years old and will be 33 in September. I have lived in Doha, Qatar for close to 3 years. I have never been “in love.” I don’t think any of the boyfriends I’ve had ever really loved me. The few times I thought I was in love, the other person did not seem to feel the same way. Plenty of guys have shown interest, but it always seems to come down to sex. It seems they just want to have sex as opposed to really loving someone.

I was taught since I was very young that sex was only for married people and this has really stuck in the back of my mind. I have had sex only five times in my life. I never really enjoyed it because I was so afraid of my performance and because of how I was taught to view sex.

It’s been my dream to love someone be loved and raise a family. Now, I’m worried that this will never happen for me, and I’m feeling depressed. I’m looking for any kind of advice.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are two primary concerns you mention, and they might indeed be affecting one another. You mention that you have always dreamed of falling in love, getting married, and raising a family and that this dream has yet to come true for you. You also mention that you have always regarded sex in the manner in which you were taught and for this reason you have never really enjoyed it. It is quite likely, therefore, that your opinions about your sexual performance, the role of sex in any of your relationships, and how you feel about yourself have been significant factors in determining the character of your prior relationships. Bringing conflicted sexual feelings into relationships and having some preconceived notions about whether someone who is interested in you “only wants sex” as opposed to a more meaningful, intimate relationship with you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts that you will never find “true love.”

It might serve you well to talk over with a counselor your concerns not only about sexual matters but also with regard to intimate relationships in general. You need not cast aside all the values you were taught as a child. But you would probably do yourself a great service to explore what your genuine needs and wants are and what ambivalences or inner conflicts might be hampering you from fully enjoying the relationships you have had as well as finding the kind of relationship you’ve always dreamed of having.