Reader’s Question

I just started dating a younger man. I’m 39 and very successful. He’s 23 and is quite mature for his age. We’ve been dating for 3 weeks, and things are going great. We’re both very attracted to one another. Here’s the question: What are the chances a relationship like this, with a 15+ age-year difference, will end up serious? I am looking for a long-term commitment, and he says he is too. Do you think there is too much of an age gap for things to ever work out?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There is a very interesting degree of ambiguity in the research available on this subject. Relationships in which men were older than their female partners as well as relationships in which women were older than their male partners show up as statistically different from normal in measures of both good and poor adjustment. It seems that the age difference is a real plus for some as well as a definite negative for others, and this is independent of the sex of the older party. Taken as a whole, the available research appears to suggest:

• The likelihood of problems is somewhat reduced if the man is near the same age or slightly older than the woman.
• As people get older, gaps in ages between partners becomes less important.
• The experience of satisfaction is highly subjective, especially with regard to the degree of age gap. Men with wives approximately 12 years younger report the highest degree of happiness, whereas women with husbands no more than 4 years younger report the highest degree of happiness.

When the age gap between partners is greater than 10 years, the partners need to be more mindful of their relationship needs and of all the characteristics of their partners. If the “right” elements are there, they have a better than average chance of a healthy relationship. If too many “wrong” elements are present, their odds of problems increase significantly. Some important things to take into consideration are differences in interests; conditions limiting physical activities; degree of social, financial, and occupational adjustment; levels of emotional maturity; and differences in life goals and attainments.

Hopefully, this information won’t confuse you any more than you probably already are. When it comes to age gaps in relationships, there are no hard and fast rules or guidelines.