Reader’s Question

I am madly in love with a girl and have been for a year now. But we have a few problems that involve our relationships, especially her attitude toward relationships with other guys in her circle of friends.

My girlfriend says that other people are simply more important to her than they are to me. But I’m concerned that she can’t draw a line with her guy friends, even if they tell her they like her very much or want to be more involved with her than just casual friends. She has made some friendships with guys with whom she admits she has gotten “very close” and won’t give me priority. She feels that these friends are as important to her as I am.

My girlfriend and I are supposed to be getting married soon. When others ask her if she is happy about this, she says the whole thing is a headache. She also says that she would be relieved if I made it a condition that she get rid of her other guy friends because she would just walk away. She has told others that she would feel exactly the same way ten years from now.

I don’t really understand my girlfriend’s attitude about her friends. It seems like they are more important to her than even her parents. Should I really be thinking about getting married to her now?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Maintaining a close circle of friends is important to many people, especially those who tend to be more socially outgoing or extroverted. But having no desire to “draw the line” or set a boundary with male friends who admittedly want to be more than casual friends and feeling “relieved” at the prospect of being given an ultimatum in order to have cause to “walk away” suggests there is more going on with your girlfriend than just wanting to keep normal friendships. There are many indications that she is simply not ready for marriage, at least not the kind of marriage that you appear to believe in.

You indicate that you are “madly in love” with this girl, so you’re likely to experience some heartbreak if you call off your pending marriage to her. But imagine how broken hearted you’d be if after investing yourself in the marriage for a good while you suddenly found yourself competing with another man for her affection. For a marriage to work, both parties must be ready for the same level of commitment. From what you say, your girlfriend doesn’t share your desires for this relationship. Save yourself some heartache and rethink your wedding plans.