Reader’s Question

Q. I moved from my hometown a week ago to attend college. Now, I’m afraid I might be depressed.

I have been crying a lot, especially when I’m alone. I cry when I think of my mom or when I talk to her, whether on the phone or chatting online. I miss her a lot, and I am afraid something might happen to her while I’m gone. I’ve always been very close to her, because I’m an only child, and being a girl I feel closer to my mother than to my father. We’re more like sisters, and even hang out together on Saturdays, or when we have time. Actually, we have been texting a lot since I left, but still it’s not enough for me, and sometimes it only makes me sadder.

I also miss my old house, because this one I’m now living in is not as clean as I would like. I’m living with a woman who takes care of students like me (all girls) in her house. I have a room that is shared with another girl and supposedly all the girls can use the kitchen. Still, we have to keep our dishes and food in our room and are allowed to use the refrigerator only when absolutely necessary. The kitchen is always dirty, and there are bugs everywhere. It’s simply gross. It’s not like home.

I’ve been crying a lot — no sobbing, just big fat tears. I also have been having trouble sleeping. I’ve lost some of my appetite and I already feel my jeans a bit looser. I’ve also been getting digestive issues like acid reflux. I have been trying to find some distractions so I don’t think of home, but nothing lasts long enough. So, most of the time I’m thinking about home, and about my mom. I truly miss her a lot.

Mostly, what I feel is that I have no one here in this city who truly cares about me. I feel lonely. I know that I have to relax and try to understand this tough phase will pass soon, but I already know that, and it doesn’t seem to do me any good.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You do report some of the symptoms that often accompany depression. You also appear to be having some problems adjusting to a very different reality from what you’ve been used to. The bad news is that you find yourself in some emotional pain. The good news is that you have an opportunity to build for yourself a sense of greater confidence in your ability to take care of yourself and not be as emotionally dependent on others whom you trust and who clearly care for you. Although this is actually good news, you might need some help from a counselor and possibly even some medication in order to see things a bit more clearly and to not be so distressed. So it would be a good idea to visit your school’s counseling center at the earliest opportunity.

You are correct when you say that you are in a difficult “phase” right now. But that doesn’t mean it will last forever. The most important thing you can do is to recognize and reinforce yourself for every single effort you make to deal with your circumstances on your own. For every “distraction” you seek to overcome your loneliness, and for every step you take to improve your living conditions (finding just the right living arrangement is never easy, especially if your only past experience has been a loving and well-kept home), give yourself an appropriate pat on the back. You’re now learning to function independently. And yes, you’re hurting right now. But much of that hurt has to do with the creature comforts and the external support you’ve been used to for so long. Now, you’re in the position of having to secure those things on your own and you’re not yet sure enough of your ability to do so. So, hang in there and seek out the support you need. But remember: the end goal is independence, which has its price but many, many more rewards!