Reader’s Question

I’ll get right to the point about my concern. My husband and I have taken in a nephew from his side of the family who will be turning 11 in September. He has been with us for 9 months. His mother is in prison, and his father was killed when he was 5. He never really knew either of his parents because he lived with his grandparents the whole time and only met his mom a few times. His grandfather then passed away and his grandmother was placed in a nursing home a few years later. The woman whom he calls “Mom” is actually his aunt who was supposed to be taking care of him but more or less abandoned him. We live in a different state from where he was mostly raised, but it was either us or foster care.

I felt really guilty about a young child having to go to a foster home so I agreed that he could live with us. But it has definitely not been easy, and sometimes I resent him. He is actually a pretty good kid, but he is used to doing what he wants. Sometimes this is a problem because I like things done a certain way. At times I just want to send him back to his home state because my life has been disrupted, even though I did agree for him to come. I’m 47 years old and have had RA since 19 and am also going through menopause. Our marriage has also been strained because of the situation.

Do you think I need to talk to a counselor or are there support groups you can recommend?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

First of all, it’s important to recognize what a noble thing you did in providing this child a home. Emotional bonding to some primary set of caretakers is extremely important to children if they’re to be well-adjusted in life. So, even though it’s natural for you to have conflicted feelings about the hardship you’ve taken on, you need to recognize its great merit.

The other important thing to recognize, however, is the natural impact of the stress you incurred taking on this noble burden. Although care-taking is extremely important to children, it’s crucial that caretakers also have their own needs tended to. There is a wide variety of support groups undoubtedly available in your state, from agencies and groups that support adoptive and foster parents, to groups that support children from broken or dysfunctional homes. Individual, marital, and conjoint counseling is certainly another option. Really, there’s no best or right answer to the type of support you seek. And if you contact a counselor who specializes in foster or surrogate parenting issues, you’re more likely to get some helpful referrals. The important thing is to recognize how crucial it is not only to provide stability for the child you’ve taken in but also to get support for yourselves and for your mental and emotional concerns. It’s best not to let pressures and hard feelings mount. You, your husband, your nephew, and your entire family will all likely benefit from seeking the support you need soon.