Reader’s Question

All my life my mother has been abusive to me both physically and emotionally. When my father was away in the military, she once stripped me naked and left me out in the cold while I screamed outside the door which she locked. I was humiliated and freezing. Neighbors saw and heard me but just closed their doors. I was only 3 years old at that time and can’t imagine what I could have done to deserve what she did to me.

My mother did many other cruel things to us children. No wonder my brother is an addict. I’m 46 years old now and have had to deal with bad memories for a long time. My mother has never apologized for any of her behavior and demonized my father to us kids all the time. When she divorced him she blamed him for everything and turned all the kids against him. If she heard that I spoke to him she would react with anger and make me feel bad for it. So I had to hide the fact that I would occasionally talk to my father.

Recently my mother and brothers reunited with my dad briefly after 30 years. I could not attend the reunion. Now my mother talks of going back to live with my dad. She is very manipulative and I fear she is just after his money now that he is single. I don’t think it is right. My mom has been living with me for one year since she retired. I think overall that it was a mistake to have her here, but it helped me out with my kids as I am divorced and they will graduate soon. I feel I am making a sacrifice for the kids so they can have a more comfortable lifestyle. She pays for other things too, including my daughter’s tuition, and so I feel bound and helpless. I’m angry with myself that I do not make more money. She has been a nightmare to live with, and I really think she has histrionic personality disorder. Drama, drama, drama. It’s all about her, all the time. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough. It seems she will always feel entitled to be verbally abusive to me. She holds me hostage with her money and buys things to keep me around. I have been unhappy since she has been with me, and I need her to go. At first I felt comforted that she came to stay with me and help out as the last couple of years had been rough financially. I even felt warm toward her and hugged her, but she gives no warmth back.

I feel betrayed by the promise of some real caring from my mother, and it’s affecting my happiness and health. I’ve turned into a hermit who stays in my office and has no fun. I have gained weight and feel low. I feel I have no defense and can’t stop her abuse. So I now simply ignore her and keep to myself, only speaking to her when I need to in a pleasant manner. If she doesn’t like that, she can leave. I hope she does.

Of course this is the tip of a very large iceberg, but any advice I can get to deal with this would be very helpful.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Investing emotional time and energy trying to get something you don’t have the power to secure is the behavioral “formula” for depression. I first introduced this concept in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. Manipulators are expert at using the conscientiousness of others against them, especially their capacity to feel shame and guilt. The abused parties try to get their manipulators to feel the same degree of shame and guilt, but to no avail. My advice is always the same. Dump the behavior that only leads to depression, and increase the behavior that leads to joy. Stop investing your emotional time and energy striving for something you can’t make happen. Instead, invest your energy where you have power. Focus on your own desires and your own choices. Then, above all else, make sure you recognize the value of your effort to validate yourself. It’s the only antidote to the toxic levels of unhealthy guilt and shame you have. You have already “measured up” better than you think. It’s high time to stop wanting others to notice and recognize that fact in yourself. I have a whole series of articles posted on ways to empower yourself, including a post on investing your energy where you have power. (See: Empowerment Tools: Invest Your Energy Where You Have Power.)