Reader’s Question

I have been depressed since I was 13 years old and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder three years ago at age 16. I moved away from home to Albuquerque at 17 to live with my boyfriend. We were evicted a month later because he stopped paying rent. A year ago I left him because of his drinking. I got back with him on the premise that he would stop drinking and seek therapy. He did, but he lost his job. I then dropped out of college to work in order to pay the bills. Five months later, my boyfriend attempted suicide, and we were kicked out of our home. We moved back in with my parents because my pay was cut to $200 a month, and he was still unemployed. I am in therapy.

We have been here since April, and I have started to feel very numbed to the world, much like I felt when I was on medication. It’s like cotton balls in my head. I have had trouble focusing on anything. I get fine grades, but I literally have to force myself into homework, whereas I used to do it simply for the sake of doing it. I also used to have a great memory. Now, I don’t even remember what people said seconds later unless I specifically focus on it. My personality is unstable and has gone from angry to immature to loving to wise and motherly (I have no children) and back again. I haven’t had much of a sex drive for over a year (I’m only 19!). When we do have sex, I do it more because it’s something that’s “overdue,” rather than something I really want to do. I’m not sad, but I’m not happy either. I’m just…here. I laugh and I cry, but I don’t really feel it like I used to (although I used to get called hypersensitive, so maybe I’m just normal now).

So my question is: What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel stressed, and I certainly don’t “feel” depressed. I haven’t thought about suicide in over a year. I really want to care about things and feel again and be able to engage with people like I used to.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Although your don’t report the feeling of despondency that often accompanies depression, you report many other things that suggest that some degree of depression is present. You should discuss all of these issues openly and fully with your therapist.

While I also can’t accurately assess your situation, I might offer you some psychological “food for thought.” You left home and entered a turbulent relationship fairly early in life and have already experienced more than a fair degree of emotional conflict. You might consider slowing down and giving yourself some time to mature emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and occupationally. You hit the gate running at age 17 and find yourself two years later living at home, making $200 a month, having to force yourself to focus on your studies, and worrying about whether you’re active enough sexually. Slow down. Give yourself some time to grow and “find yourself.” If you really are as “sensitive” as you say you used to be, pay more attention to your own wants and needs. Search your heart and soul and use your therapy wisely. It’s at least possible that you haven’t yet developed a solid and stable sense of self. And your boyfriend clearly has problems of his own. Your personality could become even more “unstable” if you don’t pay adequate attention to your own growth and development.