Reader’s Question

After high school, my son got an Associate’s Degree at a community college but never did anything with it. He’s now 32, and I have been trying to motivate him to find a better job or career so that he can support himself and become independent. Instead, he has been living in the “rental” house next door to me for the past 13 years. He has always worked only part time at nights, cooking or bartending in local bars and restaurants. He spends the rest of his time at home, alone, playing games online and drinking (alcohol). He doesn’t seem to have any friends. He has no social life. He doesn’t seem to have any motivation to do anything other than what he is doing now. He pays no rent, electricity or water. I bought his car for him and pay his car insurance.

I realize now that I have really enabled this situation, although at the time it started (when he entered Community College), I felt my actions were appropriate. I also wasn’t in a position to make the best choices at that time. My brother committed suicide that year, and 6 months later my mother died from cancer. Two months after that, my dad committed suicide. I was in shock and very depressed for many years. This is when I bought the property with 2 homes in part so my son could stay close to me, since we had just lost most of our family. My son and I were both very close to my family. My father and brother were my son’s only male influences growing up.

Over the past several years, I have told my son that I would pay for school if he wants to return. I also told him if he can find a better job or career in a different town I would help him relocate, or even move with him (although he would have is own apartment and pay his own bills). Neither school, a new job, or moving to a different town seems to motivate him at all. So, a few months ago I told him that I am going to sell this property and buy myself a smaller home somewhere. I have been cleaning things out and fixing things up to to sell. I have told my son to do the same, which he is doing (slowly). And I have had realtors out to price the property, so my son knows I’m serious. But he is still doing things the same as always and not preparing for a different future.

Now, I’m wondering if I’m doing the right thing. What if I sell the property and my son is still doing business as usual? I know he can’t afford to support himself on what he currently makes. What can I do to motivate him to be independent and self-sufficient? I think counseling might help him, but he doesn’t want to see a “mental health” counselor.

Thank you for any help or suggestions you can give me.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have done well to come to terms with all the “enabling” you’ve done in the past and the reasons for it. And, you’ve done well to correct some of the errors of your ways. Your family may have been closely knit and might have done much for each other, but you cannot be the driving force and conscience of your son. It’s for him to find motivation, purpose, and a sense of direction for his life.

You seem aware that until all the ways he has been “enabled” in the past are gone, your son can’t possibly acquire the motivation to carve out a life for himself. Even then, he might be struggling with some anxieties, depression, and other issues of his own. But you don’t have the power to deal with any of this. You can lead your son to the “waters” of self-empowerment (by encouraging him to seek counseling, suggesting some names, and offering support), but you can’t make him “drink” the cup of commitment to his psychological well-being. It seems what really bothers you the most is that you know it will be painful for him at first, and you might feel guilt all over again for all the enabling you’ve done over the years. Just remember that gains in life always come with an emotional price. As the saying goes, “no pain, no gain.” Be there to support, but only when necessary. If you don’t let this young man experience his “growing pains” now, he’ll remain an emotional infant forever and you’ll have even more to feel guilty about later on. So, forgive yourself for your past enabling and be prepared to bear the hardship of staying on the sidelines while your son grows up.