Reader’s Question

I am a 19-year-old male. In the past couple of months I have developed a weird behavior: when I hear a beautiful, touching story, whether true or not, or listen to very emotional and expressive music, I increasingly often feel like I have to cry. I know I can control the urge, but the fact is that when this happens, I actually WANT to cry, and I don’t know why.

I don’t think I was ever an overly emotional person. I do remember crying at about age 11 when someone died on a TV show. I also cried regularly because of fights with my mom up until I was about 13 (when I started living with relatives because my father thought they’d be able to raise me better and because I was just fighting with my mom all the time and doing really badly in school). I came back at age 15 and mom and I got along much better. I also cried a lot at age 16 when a girlfriend left me. But then I became interested in computer programming and computers in general and developed a very bad habit of spending a lot of time on the computer every single day. I also stopped going out with people and didn’t really talk with my mother or anyone else for that matter. You could say that I became a thinker as opposed to a feeler, and I stopped crying about things. I would get into really abstract thought experiments and had some very interesting thoughts and ideas. But I also eventually realized how little I cried and became worried that I was losing my emotions.

I started going once to therapy once a week because my mom and I were fighting a lot again and because my time on the computer was having a bad effect on my grades and health. But after a few weeks I got the feeling that my therapy wasn’t getting me anywhere and even partially blamed my therapist. I now realize I had not been completely honest with him, and I expected too much from him instead of investing myself in the work.

My father and I went to France for 3 weeks so that I could get out of a computer world existence. Unexpectedly, I met a girl; she was very classy, with an adorable face, and we spent an afternoon chatting on and off. We agreed to meet up again the following day which was also the last day we could be together since she had to leave the next day. I was also at least twice as nervous and anxious on the second day as on the first day, and I think I made a very bad impression. I wrote her two text messages after that to which she didn’t respond. That day and a few after it I cried SO much. It felt so good and it was very relieving. But I also hadn’t beat myself up about something so badly and felt so sad and disappointed in a long time. Now, I’m wondering why, and I’m worried that I’m again crying too much, like when listening to certain songs or thinking about certain stories, etc. I’d appreciate any insights you can give.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Of course, I can’t make a fair assessment of your situation remotely, but some things do seem readily apparent. You definitely appear to be a sensitive soul who for a 3 year period found a way to steer clear of his emotions by turning to the computer and turning your attention to thought as opposed to your feelings. And whenever we are feeling overwhelmed by our emotions, unable to cope, or are in distress that we don’t feel capable of managing, it’s normal to cry. Crying typically becomes less frequent as we mature and learn to manage our emotions as well as how to get our emotional needs met without excessive conflict, although there are certainly times when even the most well-adjusted individuals need a good cry.

From what you say, you have some concerns that you would indeed do well to work through with a counselor. As you have already learned, however, it doesn’t pay to hold back and keep the relevant issues from the person trying to help and support you. So, give your counseling another, fairer try. Give yourself permission to disclose and address the issues at a workable pace. And be patient. It took 19 years for you to get where you are. Your issues won’t be resolved overnight. Try to keep in touch with your emotions, as tender as they might be. In time, and with help from your therapist, you should learn how to manage them as opposed to hiding them or distancing yourself from them. Crying can also be a symptom of depression. And sometimes depression goes undetected for years. Your counselor can help you determine to what degree your tears are a healthy expression of your emotional concerns or the by-product of depression.