Reader’s Question

I am seventeen years old, and I keep making up lies that my adoptive mom is abusing me. I have been making up lies for the past four years because I think that is the only way the person is going to want to talk to me. I am really scared of people leaving me. I get really clingy towards people and do not like being alone. I do not know if I keep doing this because of my past and going through the foster care system, but I really need help. I just want to be a normal person and have healthy relationships. I try to stop, but it’s like I can’t stop. Do you have any idea what this could be and things I could try to stop?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon for a person who’s not had a stable sense of family support to have a good deal of anxiety about the prospect of “attachment” or “bonding” to any particular person or family, as well as to fear “abandonment.” Sometimes, by sabotaging any chance at a stable family relationship, a person can get a sense of control over things as well as lessen the anxiety over potentially bonding. Remember, it’s only when we actually take the leap of faith and give our heart away that we run the risk of that heart being broken. If we never really “attach,” we don’t get so bruised when abandonment comes.

In order to stop what you’re doing, you’ll need to examine all your motives. If you’re dealing with the fear that this might actually be a person and a family that you could really attach to, you must face the fear head-on and deal with all of the manipulations you might engage in to sabotage the prospect. Hopefully, you have been afforded access to a counselor or therapist. If you haven’t, it’s best to be working with one (your family, too.). Attachment and abandonment fears ultimately are a family issue and must be worked through with understanding and commitment.