Reader’s Question

I have been been dealing with high levels of anxiety and multiple irrational thoughts surrounding a recent act of infidelity on my part. Although I am engaged to be married, about a month ago I had a physical encounter with another woman. I have been having a very difficult time coping with my mistake since that event. I was able to immediately tell my fiancé of this act and we have agreed to work on this issue and still get married. I understand that I am very fortunate to still be in this relationship with my fiancé.

I still cannot help but to relive the night over and over again, which has caused me to begin having irrational thoughts regarding the incident. I was not able to engage in the physical act of sexual intercourse with this other woman because I was too intoxicated. But I did attempt intercourse. So I have been obsessing about the possibility of getting this other woman pregnant. I have even gone so far as to research various probability statistics regarding accidental pregnancy in the hope that I will read an educated opinion on the matter and make myself feel better in the process. However, even after confirming that the probability of pregnancy is incredibly low (if existent at all), I am still unable to find comfort. This one irrational thought leads to additional, worse scenarios in a type of domino effect until I become so anxious that I become sick to my stomach.

Despite the biological facts of that evening, I am still unable to get these thoughts out of my head and am beginning to notice that these thoughts are affecting my daily routine. I can only attribute these thoughts to a past experience I had 11 years ago in which an ex-girlfriend of mine told me that I got her pregnant, which turned out to not be true. However, that experience was also extremely difficult to cope with at the time (since I was only 16), and I allowed it to control my thoughts for many months afterwards. I now fear that I will put myself through this same level of worry, and I am concerned that this will eventually damage my relationship with my fiancé.

My question is this: why do I continue to lack the ability to forgive myself for this mistake despite having overwhelming evidence that shows I have nothing else to worry about, and is there a technique that I can incorporate when feeling these irrational thoughts in the future?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Actually, there are simple and effective techniques available to you to control unwanted obsessive thoughts. However, from all the things you say, it appears that you might have some concerns related to relationships, impulse control, substance use, and possibly even other issues that you might not be fully aware of and that you might best consider consulting a counselor to discuss. You are engaged to be married, and marriage is no small matter. Naturally, it would be wise to enter such an enterprise on the right foot and with bright prospects for success. So, in addition to the work that you’ve been doing to work things out with your fiance, consider finding a therapist or counselor not only to get guidance with respect to controlling your obsessive thoughts but also to discuss any other concerns you might have that could possibly affect your ability to have the quality of life you want with your bride-to-be.