Reader’s Question

I have been with my boyfriend now for just over a year. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship, but I really do care for him. During the summer, I went on holiday with a friend, leaving the relationship on slightly rocky grounds. When I came back, my boyfriend confessed that he’d kissed another girl while drunk one night. I was deeply upset, but he seemed very remorseful, and we worked through it.

I never trusted him fully and haven’t trusted my boyfriend since the incident. Recently, I looked through his emails only to find several flirtatious emails he’d sent to other girls, one of which confirmed that he’d kissed another girl. When I confronted him, he complained that every time I break up with him, he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t want to sit at home depressed, so he gets attention from other girls, and tries to erase me from his memory. To be fair, when we do argue, I often over-react and tell him it’s over for good, only to calm down a few days later and take him back. I’m sure that nothing serious has gone on with those girls, and it is purely to gain attention, but obviously it does hurt.

My boyfriend had a difficult upbringing, being abandoned by his mother at an early age and not being brought up in a stable environment. Sometimes I think that the reason he makes mistakes is not because he intentionally wants to hurt me, but because he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions in a way that most people do. I take for granted that I was brought up in a stable family that loves me. In the year that we have been together, my boyfriend has made many mistakes, but I have helped him work through them and get his life on track. In a way, I’ve been the only person that has really cared for him enough to do that. And being with him has opened my mind and made me more more patient and tolerant of people, as I begin to understand why people are the way they are. I’m beginning to question my decision to end the relationship because I do care about him a lot.

My question to you is, do I stick with the relationship and continue to help him realize right from wrong, or do I move on with my life? Is it really my job to teach him right from wrong? I don’t want to be a mother figure as this would not be a very fulfilling relationship, although I do enjoy helping him and gain a sense of pride when he begins to work his life out. I know that he cares for me a lot and really does appreciate what I’ve done for him. Sometimes I still think that we are very good for each other and that this hard work and the ups and downs will pay off one day.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You are wise not to want to be a mother figure to this young man. But you also admit getting satisfaction out of the notion that without you, he might be worse off. This is a powerful lure and not particularly healthy in a relationship.

It’s common for individuals who lack a mature conscience to depend upon others to tell them what’s right and wrong and to blame others when they misbehave. It’s also vain of you to think you have the power to instill such a conscience in someone else. There’s certainly nothing wrong about caring for someone and wanting the best for them. But just because you care for someone doesn’t mean that they have the necessary qualities to be a healthy and faithful life partner. You indicate that you sometimes think you and your boyfriend are “good for each other.” Yet you say far more about what you have done for him as opposed to what he has done for you, other than supposedly to appreciate your willingness to stick with him and to guide him. You will have to make a decision about whether this is really a mutually beneficial relationship and whether you’re really getting from the relationship what you need.