Reader’s Question

My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years. We have been living together for two of those years. Most of the first year of our relationship was spent long distance. Two years ago I became ill, and she moved to my area to take care of me. I have since gotten better and begun working again. With my encouragement, she is now going back to school for her Nursing degree. She is 22, and I am 30. She is now expecting me to shoulder her half of the financial responsibilities of our household (i.e., rent, utilities, food, entertainment, the dog). I would prefer her father to take on most of those responsibilities for her since we are not engaged or married. He refuses to help much because he is opposed to the idea of her getting a college degree. This is causing much strain and stress in our relationship. She gets offended and walks out of the room if I start to explain that it is not my responsibility. I love her and want to do what is right. What is right? Am I supposed to invest all that money into her not knowing where the relationship will be when she graduates?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Neither your nor your girlfriend seems to have it right when it comes to personal responsibility. You have made no formal commitment to one another yet want to enjoy the “benefits” of co-habitation. You are 30 and she is 22, yet neither of you is entirely self-supporting. You had no problems with your girlfriend moving and taking care of you when you were ill. Now, you’re concerned she might be asking too much of you while she goes to school. And your girlfriend had no problems putting her own life and welfare on hold to come and take care of you while you were sick even though you have made no formal commitment to each other.

The fact is that you are both adults, each responsible for their own welfare. Although it might be a nice gesture for her father to support her school effort, it is her responsibility as an adult to take care of herself. And, when a couple enters into a freely-chosen life partnership, there are mutual responsibilities as well as responsibilities to one another. Both of you need to decide whether you want to commit to one another and make your life pursuits a partnership or simply continue to “play house” and then be upset with one another for expecting too much. It’s hard to know what the responsible course is when a relationship has not been set on a responsible foundation in the first place.