Reader’s Question

I met my girlfriend seven months ago. She had gotten divorced last August after being in a very abusive relationship for over 18 years.

My girlfriend has a 17-year-old daughter who started college this year. She is a good kid. She does well in school, doesn’t smoke or do drugs and doesn’t party much. I met her a few weeks after my girlfriend and I started dating. She wasn’t too talkative, but in general our relationship seemed okay at first. Then I started staying over at my girlfriend’s apartment, and about a month later, we moved in together. A few months later, we moved together into a new apartment. Now, everything is fine between my girlfriend and me, but her daughter doesn’t seem to want to accept us. She refuses to join us for things like going out to eat, attending family events, etc… She can be very nice when she needs something, but as soon as she gets it, she is back to her regular self.

My girlfriend and I have gotten engaged, and we are planning a wedding for next June. We would really like her daughter to be a part of it. Also, I have a child of my own from a previous marriage, and when she comes over, which doesn’t happen very often, my “stepdaughter” to be has barely any reaction toward my kid. Please help me understand what’s going on.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not at all uncommon for children of divorced parents to have a hard time sorting through mixed feelings they have about the breakup of their parents. It’s even more challenging for them to adjust when their parents become involved with new partners.

While there’s no way to objectively judge the nature, extent, and effect of the “abuse” you say was perpetrated by your girlfriend’s ex-husband, it’s quite likely that your girlfriend’s daughter is still “bonded” with her natural parents and has not yet fully reconciled the dissolution of her family. She might also have considerable anxiety about becoming attached to a new father figure or new family system, especially considering that such bonding always carries with it the risk of pain and loss.

Adults sometimes tend to forget that children (even adolescents) don’t have the same mindset and emotional maturity as older persons and yet sometimes expect that they will understand and adjust when the adults in their lives make decisions that create major changes in their worlds.

Time, understanding, empathy, consistency, respect, and above all open communication are necessary to help children through the kind of adjustment that will be required of your “future stepdaughter.” Counseling can be a valuable asset, also. You have one failed marriage in your past, and you indicate that your wife-to-be endured an abusive relationship for 18 years. So, there are definitely some issues to look at. It would not be reasonable, especially given the relatively short time since her parents’ divorce, to expect this young woman to trust that the adults in her life won’t be making some big mistakes all over again and that it’s perfectly safe for her to bond to a new family. After all, she witnessed the two of you getting very intimately involved in a rather short time after meeting and not too long after the breakup of her parents’ marriage. When you take a serious look at the situation, it might even be that her apprehension is actually a bit more rational than you and your girlfriend’s expectation that she should be more “accepting.”

So, be mindful and patient. Openly discuss the relevant issues and concerns. Do that in a respectful and accepting way. And strongly consider using counseling as a vehicle to work through the issues and prepare the way for a relationship that will afford this young woman the opportunity to “bond” without undue apprehension.