Reader’s Question

My daughter is a freshman at our local college and currently living in a student apartment. Up until last year she had never been in serious trouble of any kind, but she met a boy who was not in the same intellectual circle as she, and things went downhill from there.

During her last year of high school she wrecked her car and got a DWI and was also arrested for shoplifting in a separate instance. The past year with her has been pure hell for my husband and me: almost daily dramas, screaming fits, etc. We took her to many different counselors, but since she won’t change her behaviors and doesn’t like hearing the plain truth, she stopped wanting to go. She spent two weeks attending an outpatient substance abuse program where basically all the doctor wanted to do was put her on antidepressants. I took her to a medical doctor a year prior to that who based his “depression” diagnosis on a 2-page multiple choice quiz and literally handed her samples of the pills. She grabbed a pack and then she and her boyfriend took ALL of the pills in the pack and slept through school the next day.

My daughter had a job for a year and a half but last year decided she didn’t like it (during the pill popping phase) and quit. It took her two months to find another job. Then she got the shoplifting arrest and was fired when someone at her job told her boss.

This girl is extremely bright and could have gone to any college in the world. But she chose to stay here, in this town, and attend the local college mostly because she cannot bear to be parted from her boyfriend (who is also 18 and NOT going to college). She and he have had loud violent arguments which have gotten them into trouble with the police and other authorities, but she always goes back to him no matter what and seems to be in complete denial about the relationship.

Now she is demanding I give her her insurance card so that she can go to another doctor and get meds. I told her firmly but politely, no. She and her boyfriend party quite often, and I worry that drinking while taking antidepressants or any other drugs would bring about a repeat of last year’s incident or worse.

I want to help her, but she seems completely unwilling to help herself. She has every opportunity available to her but refuses to take advantage of any of it. Her older sister is a junior in a private college and doing well, takes responsibility for herself, etc. I don’t compare them to each other but have always tried to support their different interests.

My daughter used to be a good kid, did her homework, etc. Now I barely recognize the person she has become. I don’t know whether she is doing any kind of drugs. I don’t know if there is anything I can do to help her at this point. And most of all, I love her, and I don’t understand why this is happening. It’s easy to put the blame on her boyfriend, but the truth is she is making bad choices, and honestly she is the stronger personality of the two.

She is 18, so I can’t force her to go to therapy. What can I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You may still see your daughter as the “stronger” person in her relationship, but the facts seem to suggest that she has some significant weaknesses, especially with regard to her self-esteem, making her quite vulnerable. Just as is the case with drugs, when a person gets something out of a relationship that they desperately want or need and don’t yet feel capable of getting elsewhere or in other ways, they can come under undue influence. Many psychologists think that it’s just as possible to become emotionally or psychologically “addicted” to a person as it is to become dependent on a drug. What the addict always wants is the good feeling they get when they connect with their person or substance of choice. And “denial” about all the things in their lives that are changing for the worse as they become more “addicted” is frequently a part of the picture.

What’s especially hard for parents and others who love the addicted person is to maintain distance and reckon with the limits of the power they have to influence. Still, you do have considerable ability to help. Do your best to set limits on what you will and won’t support (e.g., financially, emotionally, etc.). Send the message that although you love your daughter unconditionally and are always willing to support her efforts to take proper care of herself and to be responsible, you are not willing to help “enable” her to behave irresponsibly or ruin her life. The rest is up to her. Sometimes, life has to get painful enough in order for a person to break through their “denial” and honestly reckon with what needs to change in their lives.