Reader’s Question

I come from an extremely dysfunctional home. My father is 70 years old and has always been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. My mother has always protected him. They have been married for 50 years. They are also masters of keeping up appearances. They are so good at looking good that any outsider looking in would think my sister and I to be ungrateful idiots because we now want little to do with them. We were taught at a very early age that the abuse we suffered would only get worse if we told others the family’s dirty secrets and exposed them for the people they really are.

My brother is 45 and has been a career criminal for his entire life, with many felonies and jumping bail in three different states for grand theft, forgery, DUIs, etc. Has been in jail more times then I can remember. Although he has two beautiful daughters, he hasn’t paid child support or been in touch with them in 15 years. But, like my parents, he keeps up appearances, telling people about the fantastic relationship they have. My parents seem to enable his behavior and have even asked my sister to bail him out because she is young enough to recover her expenses. They have always expected that we all live in their land of twisted reality “because we are family.”

I believe I am finally a well-adjusted and happy 50-year-old woman because I made a choice at 48 to no longer live with their lies and behavior. That was the year I was choked by my brother and hit by my father for the last time. At about that same time I found out that my mother not only knew about my father’s mistress, but took care of my half-brother who is now a young man. I haven’t met my brother because the mistress has a protective order on my father for domestic violence. Can you believe they are angry and disappointed with me because I didn’t go to the 50th anniversary celebration? Appearances at all costs?

My son is 30, happily married, and he has a very good head on his shoulders. We have always had a wonderful, honest relationship. My son’s confusion now is really the heart of the problem. Or should I say my problem.

My son has known about my brother, but until recently I’ve kept my mouth shut about everything else. I’m not at all sure who I was protecting…my son from my awful truth, or myself. Now, it’s all backfired. My parents have his full attention and have invited him to join their pity party. They are casting me as the evil one because I will no longer allow the three of them in my life. What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s not uncommon that extremely character-disordered people try to keep their abusive behaviors “secret” and to engage in games of impression-management and presenting false “appearances.” You need to have a frank conversation with your son in which you are open and honest but still careful not to send the message that you have an axe to grind. You don’t have to be malicious or uncivil to let your son know why you’ve had to distance yourself from the toxic behavior patterns of some of your family members. Nor do you have to take responsibility for the way your son might want to maintain a relationship with them. Take responsibility for what you needed to do to restore some sanity in your life and make absolutely no apology for it. Your son should understand.