Reader’s Question

I am engaged to a man who is a genuinely great person, affectionate, gentle, loves life, and prioritizes me in every way. We share the same values and religious beliefs, and I have known him since childhood.

There are however two things that have me doubting us and our relationship. Both a very big deal to me, although one is based on a serious issue, whereas the other seems rather trivial.

The first thing that concerns me is that he has a serious condition called cystic fibrosis. This disease puts a lot of strain on a person’s day to day functioning as well as threatening the span of one’s life (estimated to be 37.5yrs on average). I am 21 and he is 22, so we’re not likely to have a long life together.

The second issue is that as a result of his condition (which stunts growth), he is not taller than I. Despite knowing that this is a relatively trivial issue, I cannot seem to get past it. I have tried to accept both of these issues because of the wonderfulness of his personality and the unique connection we have with one another. But I can’t get past these issues no matter how hard I try.

We’ve discussed both of these concerns countless times, with no real resolution. Is this reason to call off the engagement? I’m not sure we know how to be apart from one another.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

No relationship is perfect, and every human involvement has its challenges. You are the only one who can prioritize your wants, needs, and desires. There is no doubt that living with the specter of a shortened life together due to an incurable genetically-based illness is a challenge. The protein abnormality caused by the defective gene responsible for cystic fibrosis causes thick mucous to form in the body that clogs the lungs, impairs normal digestion, and makes a person vulnerable to certain infections. Not long ago, the prognosis for CF sufferers was so poor that many did not survive elementary school. But advances in care and treatment have increased the median life expectancy to the figure you report. Still, there is some variability with respect to how long your fiancé might live with the disease as well as to what extent the various complications of the disease will affect his life and growth and the quality of your life together.

You appear to know quite well what’s in store for you with respect to this disease. You also appear aware of the qualities in your fiancé that have drawn you and kept you together. You must decide what factors to which you will give precedence. It’s natural for you to have doubts and concerns. But ultimately, this is about your core values, needs, and priorities. A counselor or support group might prove helpful in providing you needed support. But in the end, only you can decide if this is the man with whom you want to spend whatever time the both of you have been given.