Reader’s Question

I need some advice please. I’m a 19-year-old girl, currently unemployed, and just out of college. I’m very self-obsessed. I always find fault with my appearance. I’m very concerned with how other people see me, so much so that it has stopped me going out very often. I’m always finding fault with my facial features. I am so self-aware that I cannot relax around other people. I also seek reassurance all the time from family because I have no self-confidence. I hate my body build, everything about my physical appearance, and I’m obsessed with my weight. I don’t need anyone to bully me because I’m always criticising myself in my head.

I had a very bad bullying incident when I was about 9 years old. I had a very destructive friendship with a girl two years older than me. She psychologically bullied me and sexually assaulted me. I never really got over it and blamed myself for being weak, and letting it happen for years. I also suffered bullying incidents in secondary school. I also have bullied my brother over the years and sometimes really hate him, although he’s done nothing wrong. Despite all this I am a high achiever educationally.

I’ve been asked out by boys before, but it disgusts me to think that they find me attractive; I start to hate them for no reason after discerning their feelings and automatically reject them. I like romantic stories and would like to have a boyfriend, but I find the physical side of a relationship repulsive.

I’m scared of people my own age, so much so that I don’t want to go to university because of the social side of things as well as the money. I only have one close friend, I avoid social situations at all cost, and I am extremely nervous with new people. I hate confrontation with other people, especially children so much so I’ll avoid going some places on the weekend because children are out of school.

I have pretty morbid thoughts on a regular basis; it gets worse at night, I don’t see the point in life, and a sort of black mood will come over me.

I can’t let myself live a normal life and have a true fear of the outside world. I tell myself that my problems are insignificant in comparison to others and to be grateful for what I have. I haven’t sought help before because of the nagging doubt that my problems aren’t serious enough.

Please give me advice on how to approach things and if I really do have a problem how to go about getting help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Experiencing bullying and abuse often causes significant emotional trauma. The psychological after-effects of trauma can vary considerably from individual to individual. But it’s not uncommon for someone who’s been subjected to bullying or abuse to have an impaired sense of self worth. And many of the other things you report are also fairly common for a trauma survivor.

It would be to your advantage to seek counseling from a professional who specializes in helping abuse survivors recover. Of course it will be your temptation to trivialize not only the importance of your emotional concerns but also your worthiness to have better. But with time, therapy, and healing, you can recover a more balanced sense of self-worth and experience less anxiety, ambivalence, and morbidity in the conduct of your social relationships.