Reader’s Question

Is there a particular kind of mental condition or disorder that causes someone to lie, manipulate, and deceive others constantly to get their way? This person I know seems to be in denial whenever confronted about this and acts as if nothing is wrong. This person also has a difficult family life, but I’m not going to go into all of that. I wonder if this is just who she is or if her behavior is due to some mental condition.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s often very difficult to assess the “underlying cause” of problematic behaviors. Some individuals who are experiencing a large degree of situational stress and/or depression will sometimes display problem behaviors as a way of “acting-out” deeper unconscious conflicts. Such behaviors are also often “out of character” for that person (i.e., are departures from the person’s normal ways of behaving). And, because the roots of the behavior are unconscious to them, they can often be in substantial denial about them.

Other individuals, however, might simply choose to behave in ways that others view as problematic. They might appear to be “in denial,” but in fact they are simply content with the way they prefer to do things, even though others are not. For these individuals, the problem behaviors are part of their overall personality and psychologists sometimes refer to these behaviors (i.e., “signs and symptoms” of the personality disturbance) as “ego-syntonic” because the person exhibiting them is perfectly comfortable with them, thinks they have no problem, and thinks everyone else who has a problem with them actually has the problem. I have written prior posts about this and discuss such issues at length both in my first book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK] and in my upcoming book Character Disturbance [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK].

Just what the underlying reasons are for your acquaintance’s behavior can only be determined by a thorough psychological evaluation. If the person you’re speaking about is really in deep emotional pain underneath it all, they might be receptive to a gentle suggestion to seek counseling. Suggest it to her. She might balk at the notion. But you might be able to reassure her that talking to someone about the difficulties you indicate exist in her family life can be really helpful and stress-relieving. So, give it a try.