How Can I Change My Abusive Boyfriend?
Reader’s Question
I am a 22-year-old female who has been dating my now 34-year-old boyfriend for 5 years.
After the first year of our relationship his true character became evident to me. He is an alcoholic who, when drunk, becomes violent toward only me. I’ve spent the past 4 years of my relationship being physically and emotionally abused by him. I have been true to him, but when he’s under the influence of alcohol, he seems to forget this and calls me cheap degrading names. He disrespects me until I feel the need to commit suicide. I’ve thought about it many times when he beats me. Recently even during his sober hours he constantly nags, shouts and swears at me. Even in the presence of his mother, whom we live with, he beats me.
What can I do to get him to change his behaviour and quit drinking? How can I save this relationship which lacks so much respect on his part?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
The short answer: You can’t. You don’t have the power to change his behavior (only he has the power to do that), make him stop drinking, or salvage a “relationship” that is not based on mutual trust and regard. You do have the power to respect and protect yourself. You not only have the power, you have the obligation to do so. The big question is why, as opposed to doing just that, you have endured humiliation, abuse, and even considered harming yourself.
Your description of events suggest that you struggle with self-esteem issues and might also be suffering from what some folks refer to as “The Stockholm Syndrome.” There are some very good and interesting posts on this site about this syndrome.
As I discuss in my book In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], if you don’t keep your attention on and invest your energy in the things over which you have power (i.e., your own welfare and behavior), and if you continue to be emotionally invested in things over which you have absolutely no power (e.g., your boyfriend’s drinking and behavior), you will likely make yourself quite depressed. For the sake of your mental health and welfare, seek counseling with an expert who specializes in helping abuse victims, devise a rock-solid safety plan, and end your engagement with this person until and unless he can prove through his actions (entering a recovery program and therapy and demonstrating a track record of success and change over a significant period of time) that he merits a “relationship” with you.
