One of Us is Too Dependent to Make this Relationship Work
Reader’s Question
I am asking for advice about my relationship with a man. He is my friend and was also crazy about me. I do feel love for him. But he is engaged and also appears to have Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD). I’m a much more independent and clear-minded person, whereas he is too dependent and does what everybody else wants him to do. He in the same metropolitan area I live in and came here largely to escape his family who have always made most of his decisions for him.
My friend’s engagement came about when he was informed over the phone by his family that he is to marry a girl they’ve chosen for him. When I ask him to be clear about what he wants for himself and what the status is of our relationship, he won’t give me a clear answer. So, I backed off from our relationship. Now, he’s blaming me for not being understanding enough and not having a heart. I left my work to give him attention, but it wasn’t enough for him. I don’t want to take all the blame for a relationship that can’t work. I’m also worried that the blame he’s put on me will make a negative impact on how I feel about myself.
Help me, please.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
You indicate that your friend might be so emotionally “dependent” as to qualify for a diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder. And you point out several things (e.g., having most life decisions made for him by others, having a marriage arranged, etc.) that, depending on cultural norms, could indeed indicate a substantial degree of emotional dependency on his part.
You claim to be a much more independent and clear-minded individual who charts her own course. Yet you seem to be uncomfortable letting your friend bear complete responsibility for his inability to commit to you and similarly uncomfortable with your decision to step back from a relationship with no future the way things stand. So, what we might actually have here is a situation of “mutual” dependency (sometimes erroneously termed “co-dependency”). And mutually dependent relationships are generally among the most unhealthy types of relationships.
You might have to reckon with the fact that you are not as emotionally independent or clear-minded as you claim. If you want to be really independent, search your heart for what you want and what you’re willing to accept responsibility for. Then, make some decisions without “depending” upon outside guidance.
