Reader’s Question

Your website has been quite informative for me and I appreciate the opportunity to ask a question.

I am suffering the effects of being in a relationship with someone who is addicted to pornography. We have been together for two years now, and we have a great relationship with no problems except for the addiction issues. This problem, however, has bred much mistrust, anger and sadness.

We have had several discussions on this issue throughout our relationship. My boyfriend knows my views on pornography, and he promised he would refrain from it after I discovered the problem. He got some counseling with someone he has seen before for other addiction and relationship issues. He went a couple times but then stopped going. Still, he promised me he would cease viewing all the kinds of material I found offensive. He was sorry and realized what damage this had brought to us. He even went as far as to tell me he would not bring his computer to my home again as this is where I discovered all of the evidence. He promised me he’d cancel his photo sharing account and remove objectionable material from his computer. But then I found out that not only had he re-established his photo sharing account, but he had also created numerous e-mail addresses to carry on racy communication. I am no prude, and I do not live in a bubble. I realize men view pornography and such types of material. But when things escalate to this level, it seems destructive to everyone.

The content of material he likes is also disturbing to me. All of his favorite pictures are of young teen girls. Some are of girls who are clothed while others are so graphic it makes me want to cry. He also has photos of trans-gendered persons. I am so overwhelmed. The enormity of his photo collection is shocking — young starlets, gay men, teen girls, old girlfriends in sexually explicit positions, etc.

I don’t know how to confront him. I am so angry and sad at the same time. The first time I confronted him I was so upset, I could not even speak. I simply put all of his belongings in my garage and told him via e-mail not to come back to my home. Things seemed to get better, but then he disrespected me and hurt me all over again.

This has ruined my self-esteem yet again. You have to understand that what I saw on his computer the first time was so overwhelming it just about broke the relationship for good. Now that it’s clear he’s not really changed, I don’t know how to handle this again. How do I confront this issue again?

Thank you.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Although you indicate your boyfriend has struggled with other addictions in the past, what you describe appears to go beyond an addiction to pornography. And oddly, despite the fact that you acknowledge being at your wits’ end, and despite the betrayal of trust, the inability to keep a commitment, and the dishonesty, you claim your relationship with your boyfriend has been “great,” with “no problems” other than his fondness for pornography. Even more oddly, you indicate that your boyfriend’s behavior has somehow ruined your self-esteem.

You have the capacity to set some firm limits. You can insist that a relationship with you must necessarily be based on trust, accountability, and responsibility. You can insist your boyfriend stick with counseling and deal with his issues. You can maintain your own sense of self-worth by not allowing anyone to treat you with anything less than respect. The fact that you have not done so, however, necessarily suggests that you have your own “issues” to address, perhaps in counseling of your own. With some honest soul-searching and guidance, perhaps you’ll be better able to assess not only your boyfriend’s character but also the character of your relationship with him.