Reader’s Question

I’m a 22-year-old male, and I’m having a bit of trouble with the relationship I have with my best friend.

I must start off by saying that there was a time in my past during which I had no friends. So, from that time onward, I became fairly protective of friendship, sometimes even to the point of obsession!

I now have a friend who is the best friend I have ever had. We share an apartment together. He is the first friend I’ve ever had who I believe values our friendship as much as I do. That being said, I’m still very insecure about the whole thing, and I’m constantly doing things to get him to confirm to me that I am indeed his best friend. When I see him with other friends of his, I get very jealous. I don’t think I’m so obviously jealous to the point that he notices, but it really eats me up inside! And whenever he gets himself a girlfriend, I also feel jealous and worry that somehow our friendship will be threatened by his relationship with the girl.

My romantic relationships have also been affected. Many of my romantic relationships have ended because I would rather spend time with him than with the girl I was involved with. I have basically neglected all of my other friends to the point that he is now basically my ONLY friend. This really worries me because my greatest fear in life is to be lonely again, and I’m really afraid that this obsession is going to eventually push him and everyone else away from me, and I will be left with no one.

Is there any advice you can give me to help me with this problem? I really don’t want this jealousy/obsession to ruin my life.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Q: The situation you’re describing has some elements of what has recently been termed a “man crush” as well as an addiction to a person.

The most accepted definition of a man crush is a close, intimate but non-sexual relationship between two men (i.e., homosocial intimacy). Such intimacies appear to be more commonplace these days due to a variety of factors. First, people are marrying later in life whereas the need for intimacy is still strong in younger years. Second, as a result of a marked change in cultural norms, deeper and more expressive levels of intimacy between members of the same sex are more accepted and even encouraged. Such relationships can become so intense as to constitute what some refer to as a “Bromance” (i.e., brotherly romance). These relationships can be based on an intense admiration for the other party (that can sometimes even reach a point where one party actually desires to be the other party) or an intense mutual appreciation and genuine love that is purely platonic (non-sexual) in character but has all of the other characteristics of romantic love.

When someone is “addicted” to a person, the core dynamic at work (as is the case with any addiction) is the feeling of well-being a person has when they’re intimately involved with the other person. And because that feeling is so desirable and pales in comparison to other good feelings, the person spends more and more time and energy trying to capture and maintain the feeling.

In order to avoid a destructive addiction and ratchet-down your involvement with your friend, you need to fill yourself up with as many experiences as possible that approximate the feelings of validation and well-being you get when you are with your friend. You might also want to discuss these things with a counselor who can help you increase your awareness of the factors that so strongly “draw” you to this person and devise some strategies to get your needs met without overwhelming and possibly jeopardizing your friendship.