Reader’s Question

My ex-boyfriend is my closest friend, and we are trying to live together as roommates. But I’m beginning to get emotionally exhausted, and I’m not sure if our current arrangement is healthy for either of us.

My ex suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression. When I first met him, he was on medication and seeing a therapist, but after we we entered a committed relationship and started living together, he stopped both. Our relationship soon withered due to the change in his behavior. Now, he’s very secretive, lies, is constantly negative, pouts like an adolescent boy when he doesn’t get his way, says inappropriate things, avoids personal responsibility, and is far too dependent on others, especially me and his dad.

My ex says that I’m the love of his life and that if a relationship doesn’t work with me than it won’t work with anyone else. But I feel like he says such things to manipulate me somehow. He also worries me when he says things like he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. I feel trapped. It’s like I am his last hope. Within the past month he has commented that he knows his behavior is getting worse, but he also refuses to see a therapist or get back on his medication. He says that living with me helps him and keeps him from just going off and living in a cave somewhere.

I’m afraid that asking him to move out will hurt him and possibly send him into a breakdown. However, I know that the longer I let this continue, the more likely it will be that I mentally suffer as well. Can you please help me figure out the best way to go about asking him to move out?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have correctly identified not only a manipulative situation, but a highly effective one at that. Certainly no one wants to feel like because they set a limit, drew a boundary, or put some necessary distance in a relationship, that they somehow “caused” someone else’s decline. So, it’s a very effective tactic to imply such things.

While it’s impossible to make a reliable assessment of your situation remotely, there are some reliable general principles that appear obvious. As I emphasize in my book about manipulative people, In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK], you always have the power to set and enforce the rules of engagement for anyone wanting a relationship with you. Make it clear that not taking medication or continuing in therapy is not an option even if you’re only to maintain a roommate-type friendship with him. And don’t get sucked into the trap of entertaining the notion that you bear responsibility for his choices. You are responsible for your own choices, and you need to do your best to prevent an already bad situation from becoming worse.