Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I have been friends for six years and together for 1.5 years. He’s got anger problems, for which he is receiving treatment. He can be quite short with me at times and have sudden fits of temper.

However, over the past few months, his angry incidents have increased in frequency. They’re never full-blown fits of anger, he’s just verbally aggressive with me more often, putting me down for every effort I make. It’s as though I can’t do anything right. If I ask a question he considers to be silly or say something slightly ditzy, he’ll call me stupid along with some other derogatory name. He’s also being less affectionate toward me, not expressing his love, etc. And his libido has dropped. Plus he’s doing things that are out of order. He’s invited his ex to come around tomorrow to spend the day with him, despite knowing she wants to have sex with him and how much this upsets me.

This has all coincided with events in his family life that have been hard for him to cope with; his aunt passed away, and his mum was sent to rehab. So I do realize his behaviour is partly due to that. He’s finding it really hard to cope, and I’ve been attempting to be as supporting as possible. However, my life’s also been hard recently: I was drugged, sexually assaulted and beaten up a month ago, and I’m now living alone with my parents and coping with my mum’s alcoholism. I’m falling apart. I need him as much as he needs me, but every time I ask he just ignores my pleas. It hurts that I can put away my problems to be there for him, I put him first, and he can’t even attempt to do the same.

I should add that in the few days following the drug-facilitated sexual assault, he was my rock, he stood by me. He does try, but it never lasts long. I don’t expect him to sit and listen to me cry for hours; he has enough on his plate. All I need is some reassurance: I need to know he’s there and he cares.

Every time I attempt to bring any of this up, I’m either told to shut up, he uses his anger as an excuse to get me to storm off, or else he makes me out to be selfish for talking of it whilst he’s upset.

I’m worried that he wants out of our relationship, but at the same time I know if he did he’d end it — he’s not the type to drag it out. I hate that I can’t properly be there right now for him.

I guess I just need to know how to go about things. Should I keep trying to have this discussion with him? Should I stick around and support him but allow myself to suffer in the meantime? Or do I pull away and hope he’ll come back to me?

Thanks.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As is true with so many abuse victims, in your attempt to “understand” the reasons for his behavior, you inadvertently tend to excuse and “minimize” it (e.g., “he’s just verbally aggressive more often”). You also seem to cling to memories of instances where he showed some decency, but you appear afraid to draw a firm line with respect to most of his behavior. Some of your boyfriend’s behavior goes clearly beyond “anger problems.” This is especially true of the demeaning behavior he shows toward you. So, hopefully his therapy involves much more than anger management training.

Until you reckon with your own history, you’re not only likely to enter relationships in which you are not afforded proper respect, but you’re also likely to make decisions that place you at risk. Before you seek your own counseling, you can begin setting appropriate limits. Until you start believing that you deserve respect, you won’t insist that you be treated with it by those with whom you’re in a relationship.