Can’t Let Go of Girlfriend’s Sexual Past
Reader’s Question
I am nearing the age of 20, and I have a problem with thinking about my girlfriend’s sexual past. When I met her I had no sexual experience, whereas she has had many sexual encounters. In high school, she had a reputation for having sex quite casually, but then she met me and we have an actual relationship. We are sexually active, but I can rarely shake the thoughts of knowing she has been with other guys. I know that many of these guys actually took advantage of her and some hurt her, too. I know who some of the guys are and know them to have very little in the way of character or morals.
I know my girlfriend loves me to death, and I love her the same. She really does not like her past. So, I usually just keep my mouth shut about the things in her sexual past that bother me to keep from hurting her even more. But images and scenarios constantly pop into my head, and it literally makes my stomach feel funny. Also, when I think about these things it just sucks the happiness from my body. It just ruins any sort of mental peace I have. Also, I just feel like it isn’t right how things turned out — as in, things aren’t supposed to be this way. I know in my head that what one does in the past doesn’t necessarily define them as a person forever, but in my heart I am having a hard time letting go. Please, if there are any answers or you have any advice you think would help in any way, let me know.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
From what you say, it sounds like your girlfriend went through a period when her self-esteem was quite low, and she now regrets some of the things she did. It also, however, sounds like you might be suffering some esteem issues of your own. Your relative lack of sexual experience compared to your girlfriend’s might further impact those esteem issues. In addition, there seems to be a bit of an obsessive quality to some of your concerns.
The best antidote to what you’re experiencing is genuine faith in your girlfriend’s love for and commitment to you as well as an abiding faith in yourself. That can enable you to live in the present instead of the past. In all likelihood, you probably want to have such faith, and although you might on an intellectual level, you appear to lack it at an emotional level. Perhaps it would be wise to visit with a counselor, not only to work through any emotional issues you need to address but also to learn how to manage the obsessive tendency you describe. To really enjoy what you have now, you will need to let go of the past. And to maintain the level of commitment you seem to want in your relationship with your girlfriend, you’ll need to have confidence in yourself as well as confidence in her.
