Reader’s Question

I am a 25-year-old male from India. I have a problem because I really don’t understand my behavior.

About three years back I met a guy, and we became fast friends. We would not spend a day without seeing each other. We shared everything with each other about our pasts and became quite close. I need to mention here that I consider myself heterosexual and have had many girlfriends in the past and had sexual relationships with all of them. But after I met this guy, things changed for me considerably. I developed a crush on him and started doing things I would normally not dream of doing. I would even love the smell of his clothes and sometimes cuddled his T-shirts. I began to lose my sexual appetite for girls and to become heavily focused on this guy. Once, when he got drunk at a party, I gave him a ride back to my house and was sexual with him while he was fast asleep. I feel very disturbed about all this and sometimes think that I am becoming gay, which I don’t want to be. My friend has no clue about any of this. I’d hate for him to find out because I don’t want to lose him. I want to feel the same way as I used to when I was actively involved with my girlfriends.

Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There are two issues here that warrant some discussion. The first issue pertains to sexuality.

Human sexuality is a fairly complex thing. Sometimes, it’s not as simple as someone being simply straight or gay. Many individuals have feelings and urges toward members of both sexes (i.e., are bisexual or “ambi”-sexual). Individuals can also vary considerably in their degree of sexual preference. So, whereas a gay male might exclusively prefer males as sexual partners, a predominately heterosexual individual might have a primary preference for the opposite sex but still have occasional feelings and urges toward members of the same sex. To complicate matters even more, it’s not all that uncommon for a male who has a purely emotional (i.e., non-sexual) crush on someone of the same sex (sometimes referred to as a “man crush”) to entertain some sexual fantasies about the person or even develop some sexual interest in them, especially if their relationship has become particularly intimate. The important thing is for you to be at peace with your sexuality, whatever it is and however it might express itself.

The second issue that warrants some attention here is that you mention engaging in some sexual contact with a person not really capable of giving knowledgeable consent. This is never a good idea. Intimate relations — especially sexual relations — with another person always need to be mutually desired and freely consented to. And while you might not necessarily want to divulge all your feelings toward this friend and risk potentially eroding your friendship, it’s absolutely essential that you respect one another’s boundaries and not violate one another’s trust.

So, think hard about what you want from this relationship as well as how you feel about your sexuality. Your integrity, your friendship, and your peace of mind all depend upon your ability to be honest with yourself as you embark upon this soul-searching task. Talking things over with a counselor couldn’t hurt, either.