Reader’s Question

I believe that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. I say ‘I believe’ because my spouse has constantly insinuated that I am the abuser, although I have read books, online articles, and other informative resources that clearly suggest to me that I am the abused party.

I am in my second marriage, which I fairly much jumped into. I have two children from a previous marriage who also spend time with us regularly. My wife and I got pregnant quickly and now have a 1-year-old with another baby on the way. Things were perfect in the beginning. But when my spouse became pregnant the first time, the abuse started. I attributed it to the pregnancy (hormones, etc.), so I tolerated it and hoped it would end after the baby’s birth. However, after the baby was born, her behavior didn’t change. Supposedly, there were different reasons for it such as lack of sleep, or frustration with the baby’s colic, etc. Now we’re into the second pregnancy and the abuse has continued and trickled over into the relationships between my spouse and my other children, causing me to draw a line in the sand. It seems that any and every stressful situation, little or big, sets her off on a verbal rampage where she does nothing but demean me by saying some of the most horrible things. The things she does that are abusive include constant belittling, regular accusations of infidelity or lying when neither are the case, and constant criticism for every aspect of my life — including, but not limited to, my abilities as a father and husband, my job, my interests, my favorite sports teams. This occurs daily. I have restraint for about 90% of it, but when my values are attacked or my children are hurt, I do get angry and fight back.

We had been in therapy for about six months together, getting individual sessions at times but many joint sessions as well. We seemed to learn a lot. In all honesty, I spent a lot of time implementing the things that I learned, and my spouse spent most of her time telling me I just needed to keep on those things because I was the real problem. I am a generally passive person and take the abuse until I get more than I can handle and finally say something I later regret. My spouse has for months brought up the fact that I called her a name and dropped the ‘F’ bomb on her, but she never mentions all her abusive actions that led up to that explosion and acknowledges no part in making our lives miserable. I keep hearing that if I don’t fight back eventually it will stop because she won’t have anyone to fight with. That doesn’t seem to work. I have to put a stop to this somehow.

Just recently things came to a head where for the first time I left for the night and stayed with a friend and his family. I think it scared her to realize that I might leave for my own sake, and after a very long conversation we agreed to move forward and seek counseling again, etc. My question is this:

If we are to attempt to repair this ourselves, by reading marriage books together, or taking classes, is there any way to deal with this, or special areas to work on that may keep this emotional abuse from re-surfacing? I want to believe that things will work out and that we can be close again just by following the steps of learning how to communicate, and learning how to blend our families, but I am scared that there is something deep-seated in her that will rear its ugly head no matter what. Do we have a chance, or does this issue of emotional abuse need to be brought to the forefront and dealt with before we can move forward together?

Thanks.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s no way to give accurate advice remotely about your situation. Blaming others is just as common an abuse and manipulation tactic as playing the role of the victim (I describe these tactics in my book In Sheep's Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]), and it’s impossible to know not only if there’s one clearly abusive party in this relationship but also who the more abusive party is. The first and foremost rule of accountability is that everyone is responsible for their own behavior. That means you are responsible for your outbursts and actions no matter what your wife does that you feel antagonizes you — and she is responsible for her conduct, whether it’s prompted by your actions, her lingering depression, stress, etc. And you admit that you entered into this relationship hastily even after having experienced one failed marriage. Still, you suggest it was “perfect” in the beginning. So, it seems as though you both have a lot of distorted thinking to address and correct.

Get back into counseling and this time, maintain a firm commitment to it. Hold yourself accountable with respect to addressing your own issues. That way, you’ll have greater clarity in setting limits and boundaries in your relationship with your spouse. If it becomes clear that she is not willing to reckon honestly with her own problems, you’ll have some decisions to make. Remember that there are innocent children involved here, too.