Reader’s Question

My question is: Should my wife and I get divorced? First, a little background…

My wife was born to a single mom whose college lover left town once he found out she was pregnant. She then felt pressured to find a husband with a good job. She married a personality disordered man with a great job who is homosexual. Still, they had three kids. My wife and her father butted heads her whole childhood. The main reason is that he did not like her. When she was in second grade, he told her she was a fat bitch. She was an adorable little girl and would have been very easy for any father to love. As a father, I adore my girls and they know it. For me, it sums it up to say he’s a gay, narcissistic, OCD self-absorbed ass, and as a result my wife grew up wondering why her daddy didn’t like her.

My wife worshiped her mother and was very close to her grandparents as well. Her mother was a very smart and kind person. My wife is very pretty, very smart, very grounded, and is a great mother to our three young children. Everyone who knows her loves her and wants to be her friend. She is very non-judgemental In her friendships. She is a Physician’s Assistant. The only person she treats poorly is me. She is incredibly stubborn and has great difficulty admitting she’s wrong. She rarely feels remorse when she hurts me. It’s cathartic for her. When I’m happy, she is critical and bitchy. It’s as if she is allergic to my joy. When I am grumpy and short with her, she is happy. It’s this game that exhausts me. I feel like I can’t stand it any longer. We argue in front of the kids an average of once per day.

I am a neurotic hypomanic narcissist. I’m not quite at the level of a personality disorder but certainly on the narcissistic spectrum. I am a good father, and my wife and I are very focused on our children. They seem to be happy and enjoying life. I am moody and very much ADHD inattentive type. I was a psychotherapist for 5 years and am now a corporate head hunter.

My wife’s script is to get the men in her life to hate her or to become so infuriated with her that they want to leave. She always ends up saying, “Why do you hate me?” I think this is her ultimate pain. She will not admit that being abandoned by two fathers affected her or affects our relationship. She says she can’t heal from anything because of me and not feeling like she lives in a supportive environment. I am always at fault. She is very grounded in the now and lacks introspection. She admits this.

I feel she can’t change, being so rooted in her way in life. I often described her as a tree with roots that go down 3 miles. I have no faith that the happiness game will end. She will always be allergic to my joy. Example: I love to entertain. She prefers a quiet night at home. Compromise…I get to entertain every once and a while. Part of the enjoyment for me is getting ready 3 to 4 hours before the event. I get giddy anticipating, and she can’t stand it. Her bitchiness ends up ruining it for me. She ultimately gets her way. I feel like I am always trying to make her happy.

I feel like I need to stick it out because our children are doing well, and I should give up any hope for joy in a love relationship for them.

What should I do?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You seem to have so much figured out that one wonders why you you find yourself in a quandary about what to do. Perhaps, however, that’s because making and keeping a commitment is much less about reason, brilliance, and insight and much more about the heart, character, free choice, and steadfastness. Your wife was the person she is (with all her history and emotional “baggage”) the day you said “I do.” And living with a self-described narcissist has undoubtedly been a challenge for her as well. Only you can decide whether you want to keep the pledge you made to her those years ago.