Wouldn’t Marry Him if He Asked But Still Unsure Whether to Leave
Reader’s Question
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now, and I have become increasingly unsure about our relationship.
During the time we’ve dated, I’ve heard “I love you” from him fewer than 10 times. He rarely shows any emotions regarding me or our relationship, and we do not share many hobbies at all. I can honestly say that I would have to say “no” if he asked me to marry him. I thought we were a great match for a long time, but we’ve steadily grown apart. I am constantly weighing our relationship in my mind, and I’m not happy. I have told my boyfriend of my needs, and he’s done the same with me, but I find things that things have not changed.
Is this relationship something I should continue working on, or should we go our separate ways?
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Q: You indicate a few things quite clearly. You state that your boyfriend rarely says he loves you or displays any emotionality. You also say you are not happy in your relationship with him and would turn him down if he asked you to enter into a permanent commitment. So, the big question is why you have hesitated to extricate yourself from the relationship.
Only you can decide what’s really keeping you involved. Perhaps it’s the level of investment you’ve made over the last four years that’s keeping you from simply walking away. (I refer to this in my book In Sheep’s Clothing as “The Slot Machine Syndrome”.) Perhaps you’re one of those persons who feels inordinate guilt when they say “no.” Perhaps your self-esteem is deficient, and you lack the confidence to seek out a more fulfilling relationship. In any case, only you can know what has been keeping you in a relationship you admit does not make you happy.
If you cannot resolve the questions you must ask yourself on your own through self-examination and soul-searching, perhaps you might do well to visit with a counselor and sort through your feelings. In the process, you might also learn a lot about yourself and what’s kept you in a relationship for 4 years that appears to be going nowhere.
