Reader’s Question

I have been with my fiancée and mother of my son for almost 15 years. We met when we were in our late teens. Our sex life was very boring, and we never really made love but rather simply fulfilled our physical needs. About two years ago, we decided (it was actually more my idea than hers) to bring a little spice into our sex lives by arranging a wife-swapping experience with two close friends who had also been together since they were teens.

The first time I slept with my friend’s fiancée and he slept with mine, it was not really very much fun. Still, we did it again a couple weeks later, and it eventually became routine. We met every Friday night, had dinner together and afterward one of the “swapped” couples went out for the night while the other couple watched the kids. After Saturday dinner, the couple that stayed with the kids the night before were free to go out while the other couple stayed with the kids. At Sunday dinner, everyone got together again and after dinner, the original couples went home together. This lasted for almost a year.

The whole situation eventually made me realize I was never really in love with my fiancée but really felt like more a close friend to her. In the end, the inevitable happened. My friend’s fiancée and I fell deeply in love with each other. We eventually could not live apart for a whole week to see each other only on the weekends.

I know I have not gone about things the right way. First of all, I kept telling the mother of my son that I loved her when my feelings were actually different. I have always been the type of person that wanted everyone around me to be happy, so I did not stand up for my own needs early on. I also know that both of us couples should have addressed our relationship issues before getting into the wife-swapping thing. But I really didn’t know that I would fall so deeply in love like I did.

My true love and I finally decided that it was time for us to live our love to the fullest. So, she left the father of her daughters last April, and two weeks later I left the mother of my son. The problem is that our ex-partners (mostly my ex) have not accepted the situation and are REALLY angry with us. It is pretty hard for us to celebrate our love knowing that almost everyone we know is against us, mainly because we destroyed two families. Still, it’s hard for me to understand the anger of our exes because my new true love told her ex while she was still with him that she was falling deeply in love and maybe they should stop the swapping — but he told her he didn’t want to stop because he wanted to keep seeing my ex. I think the biggest problem is that he really liked my ex, but she didn’t feel the same toward him.

Things are now a mess. My ex is in a depression, and my once close friend now wishes me ill. Still, my new love and I just can’t break things off.

Here is my question: Should I put a stop to the relationship with the person whom I believe to be the love of my life and hope to meet someone just like her in the future but without the past that we both share right now?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You ask a very interesting question. Unfortunately it’s not the kind of question any professional can directly answer. It’s also not the kind of question one would hope a person who has truly learned from the experiences you’ve now had would ask.

You are right to say that you did not go about some things the right way. You admit you were in a close relationship with a person you liked but found sex with “boring.” You also chose to “spice up” your sex life in a very risky manner. As is so often the case when people look at short-term wants and desires vs. long term needs and consequences, what started out as satisfying in some ways turned out disastrous in other ways. All actions have consequences, and there’s no way that everyone is going to be happy with your current choice.

The real question to be asking yourself is what kind of relationship, family life, and commitment you want and what you are willing to sacrifice (i.e., in the way of freely self-imposed limits and boundaries) to secure it. Perhaps the one thing you’ve learned is that despite the fact that it appeared possible for a year, no one can have their cake and eat it, too.

You also might do some serious soul-searching with respect to your feelings about romantic love, sex, intimacy, and the nature of your relationships. Perhaps visiting with a counselor and sorting through your feelings can help you better understand how you arrived in the situation you now find yourself in and what you might want to be mindful of for the future.