Reader’s Question

Ever since I was a child, I have felt huge sympathy for my mother. I believe she was abused when she was younger. She is also a regular drinker and smokes cannabis every night. When I was younger I made the assumption that she drank because she was abused as a child.

I have been attending Al-Anon for two years now. I have realized that I had become enmeshed in my mother’s pain. Essentially, I had taken on her grief and became sad and depressed myself. I started working on my own issues and have begun to look after my own needs without feeling like I needed to rescue my mother; I have started to extricate myself from her pain.

I just recently had a conversation with my biological father (who was not present in my childhood). He told me that my mother was already a regular binge drinker at the age of 16 when they first met. He also said that she displayed the same kinds of behaviors that she does now, such as shifting, unpredictable moods, and a penchant for substance abuse.

Mum’s family was no doubt dysfunctional. Her mother was a hypochondriac who never left the house and passed away a few years ago. She used to have her husband run her errands for her. My mother repeated a similar pattern with my father, who was a big enabler of her behavior. My mum’s brother passed away in prison a few years ago due to drugs. He was a cannabis addict also.

I am slowly starting to move on from my mother’s issues by working the Al-Anon program, and I feel that I am beginning to come to a place of peace. What would really help me now is knowing if, regardless of the abuse, my mother always had the alcoholic/addictive gene. My main cause for sympathy is believing that she drinks because she was abused. But if she always had the potential to be an alcoholic, this would put everything into a whole new sense of perspective.

How do I finally stop feeling my mother’s pain and/or grief?

If you can help, I would appreciate it.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Whenever people engage in behaviors that are destructive and bring pain into their lives as well as others, we strive to “understand” the underlying reasons. Feeling like we understand eases our own emotional pain to some degree. So, its understandable that for years you tried to understand your mother’s behavior and possibly felt at least a little relief thinking that she couldn’t help herself because she bore the scars of past abuse. Even now, the thought that she might be the “victim” of an addictive gene might help bring some emotional relief. The problem is that in reality, the sympathy you tried to substitute for the anger you might rightfully have about her behavior has most likely been less than effective in easing your inner pain. To top that off, your hard work in Al-Anon is probably helping you acquire a better sense of personal responsibility. No one really walks the path of “recovery” until they become accountable. And although alcoholism is a disease, it’s up to the person afflicted to take that “first step” and thereafter to “work their program.”

What you are now undoubtedly faced with is the prospect of holding your mom accountable and to stop finding scapegoats, whether they be her purported childhood abuse or her genes. Entertaining such a notion is unnerving, indeed.

My advice: keep working your program. Make your pain and your issues your business, not your mother’s. The further you progress on your own path of recovery, the clearer your insight will be about the dysfunctional dynamics of your family.