Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I started a business a few years back, and it has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Before we started our business, we both worked in the corporate world but felt very dissatisfied and unfulfilled. My boyfriend had the idea of starting a business, and he was the one to take the initial steps and get the ball rolling. At first, he was working with a friend but soon found out that this friend wasn’t pulling their weight. About the time he and his friend finally parted ways, I was feeling that I had to leave my job. Looking to head in a new direction, I talked to my boyfriend, and we both thought that it would be a great idea to do the business together! Eventually, he was laid off from his other job, so we were able to really focus on our business full force. The first 2 years were very hard. We didn’t make much money and actually had to stay with family until we could afford our own place. Last year I came into some money and was able to put some toward the business. We are now at a point where we are making strides and going a lot further than we have been able to in the past. We’re still not making as much money as we should, but the money that I put into the business has been keeping us afloat.

Here’s where the problem lies. While we have been working on getting our business going, my boyfriend has also been on somewhat of a spiritual journey and working on bettering himself as a person. He wants this for me and for our future children. I’m all for people finding themselves spiritually, and I am very proud of his quest. He spends a lot of time meditating and reading, while I feel like I’m tending to the business (paper work, banking, dealing w/clients, etc.). He talks a lot about how successful we’re going to be and how things are coming together, but it seems that he’s just not “connected” and unmotivated when it comes to laying the groundwork for the biz. I feel like if I was to just drop everything today, he wouldn’t even know where to pick up or what to do. This business is our only source of income and the only “job” that both of us have. If this is a business that we are doing together, shouldn’t he know everything that is going on? I don’t want to come off like I’m not supportive of his bettering himself, but I just feel that while he is focusing on his spirituality he should also be able to focus on the business and helping to get it where it needs to be. I’ve brought up this topic before, and he got a little offended. How do I communicate this to him in a way that is not offensive?

Please help.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Conducting the “dual relationship” of intimate friend and business partner has always been a particularly challenging enterprise. Besides that, it doesn’t seem from what you’ve said that the nature of your business “partnership” has ever been clearly defined. Your boyfriend once parted ways with his friend when he felt that friend was not invested enough in the success of the business. So, he knows that business is business. Now, it appears that you are the more dynamic force in the business partnership. Yet you say your boyfriend acted offended when you brought up issues related to this.

I suspect that there are several issues that need both addressing and clarification. And if you don’t think your relationship has enough of a trust foundation to explore these issues through honest, benign confrontation, perhaps you should solicit the assistance of a counselor. But remember that you can’t allow fear of another person’s possible reaction to keep you from addressing the issues. A well-trained counselor can help you clarify concerns and communicate in a manner that lessens the possibility of obstructive defensiveness. So, consider the possibility strongly. The longer you put off addressing your concerns, the more problems are likely to fester.