Reader’s Question

I read the post Is My Controlling and Manipulative Mother Just Punishing Me? on your web site, and I just couldn’t believe it because it completely described the characteristics of my mother. However, I still have some questions because my situation is a bit different.

I am of south Asian origin. I live in the United States, but my parents live in another country.

My mother and I never had a good relationship, but I still did my best to be close to her. I showed her love and treated her well. I had an affair in my teenage years, and the person I had the affair with did not meet the approval of my family. My mom did many things to break up the relationship. She also did a lot to ruin my relationships with all of my friends and with my ex-boyfriend. She actually called and sent letters to them advising they end their connections with me. She threatened me and grounded me and made every attempt to end the affair. I wasn’t allowed to go out without her. I became depressed and wanted to run away from home or commit suicide.

My dad was also not on good terms with me, and for no reason I can think of. He always blamed me for things with no cause. He seemed always to find fault with me and put me down. My brother and parents always spent time together, and I felt that I was left out from the family. My mom gets along with my brother because he always does what my parents want him to do. I decided to come to USA to avoid that toxic environment. My boyfriend then cheated on me and got married to someone else. Still, I feel that my mother would have convinced him to marry someone else anyway. I went to counselling and even was on medication. I messed up my studies and lived in a room with no connections to anyone. During that time I didn’t even remember whether I had eaten or not.

Finally, I met a lovely person online who now knows everything about my past. My mom forced us to get engaged. We stayed with my parents for a time, but they both started to find faults in my husband’s family, and we both left the country with sadness. I brought my brother to USA, enabled him to get a good education, found him a job, and did everything for him, but he never showed any gratitude to me or my husband, only to my parents. My mother thinks I’m different from the rest of the family. The three of them always take one side and attack me. The worst thing is that she’s even tried turning my husband against me by telling lies. She isn’t on good terms with him now because he won’t take her side.

My husband and I talk about these things all the time, and we are not happy. We want to feel part of a larger family, but we really think my mom is like a witch. This has been going on since I was little, but I don’t think I can bear it anymore.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you describe sounds like a classic personality clash. And such clashes can exist between parents and children. Some personalities, especially dominant, controlling personalities, tend to expect that others will adopt their values, agree with their points of view, heed their desires, and bend to their wills. In a way, the clash between you and your parents (your mother especially) might be in large measure due to the similarities of personality that you share, inasmuch as you report having quite an independent spirit yourself (unlike your brother whom you report to be the more acquiescent type).

When a personality clash like this exists, what has to happen is that one or both parties has to come to accept and live with — though not necessarily agree with — the other party’s point of view. Strong personalities don’t change. So, we have to deal with them as they are. We don’t have to agree with them or condone all their actions. We simply have to acknowledge and be at peace with the fact that they are who they are. So, set some reasonable limits and boundaries with respect to your contacts. You certainly don’t need to tolerate abusive behavior. But try being more accepting of the fact that your mother has the strength of personality, the values, and the beliefs that she does and you are not going to change them. If you want to love her, you will have to take her as she is. In time, you may come to realize that she has done the same with you.