Reader’s Question

I feel like my whole life has almost fallen apart during the past few months. I had a job I really enjoyed, a great boyfriend, and I was looking forward to returning to college to get a postgraduate degree. I was happy and enjoying life. To make a long story short, after leaving the job to go to college, my boyfriend and I had a fight, and he ended his relationship with me. I then went to college but hated it. I’m not sure if this was partly because of the break-up, or if I would have hated it anyway. So I left college and am now going back to my old job. The problem is, almost 3 months later I still feel very bad about all that’s happened.

I just wish I could go back in time and change things. I blame myself for the break-up with my boyfriend. I think I was stressed out about whether I was making the right decision to go back to college and was taking it out on him. I had also been taking him for granted, and on the night we fought I said a lot of things that I know hurt him, and he finally had enough. After the break up he wouldn’t even speak to me as he said if we stayed friends we would end up getting back together, and he didn’t think this would work because of how I had been acting.

It seems I have lost a lot of confidence because of these events. I know I should go out and have fun with my friends, but I don’t feel like it. I have some hope that getting back to my old job may bring me some happiness, but I’m terrified that it won’t and I’ll keep feeling bad and be full of regret, and that my life is going nowhere. I wish my ex would give me the chance to show him that I realize where I went wrong and that I can change, but since he will hardly speak to me even after two months, I’ll probably never get the chance. How can I get over this bad situation, and do you think I will ever restore my former happiness?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Oftentimes when we are experiencing some tough times, former times seem so much happier. But you might not be adequately considering the fact that several months ago you were still feeling the urge to make some changes in your life (e.g., go back to school and secure a postgraduate degree).

You also mention the tendency to displace anger. Displacement is a “defense mechanism” by which we direct emotional energy toward a person or situation that is really related to another person or situation. Displaced anger, for example, is often directed at a “safer target” to save ourselves the greater degree of pain that would be associated with being mad at the person or situation for whom the anger is rightfully intended.

Right now, you seem to be directing some anger at yourself, which of course can result in some degree of depression. The most important thing to contemplate is just exactly what you might be wanting to change in your life and to do that soul-searching without so much anger or animosity directed toward anyone — including yourself.

If your former boyfriend is completely unwilling to deal with you because of the things you said or did, you’re probably better off not being with him. Solid relationships must be founded on the premise that everyone is human and makes mistakes. So, quit beating yourself up, and quit directing anger toward situations and people for whom it is not really meant. Rather than being angry, be accepting of the fact that there must be some things in your life with which you were not happy and wanted to change. Then decide whether these things mean enough to you to mount a genuine effort at securing those changes. Living in the past and especially engaging in distorted fantasy about it will only hold you back.

Sometimes, the task of coming to know what you’re really after in life is best handled with the aid of a counselor or therapist. Perhaps by working with someone you might come to realize that rather than being behind you, your happiest days lie ahead.