Reader’s Question

I have a question that has been bothering me for some time.

I dated a man who had an unusual relationship with his ex-wife that I saw as unhealthy, although he seems to think that I am the one who has the problem. He often told me that he was afraid of losing any connection with his ex-wife, and they had constant contact through phone calls and emails. He would also visit her and her family. He was always invited to family events. I asked to go to several of these events but was told that I would only make everyone uncomfortable. My boyfriend often told me that it was all his fault that he and his ex-wife divorced, so he felt lucky that she even spoke to him. He pleaded with me to understand why he wanted to visit her and see their dog. He would say the dog was always happy to see him and that his ex-wife’s parents and nieces would come over and were happy to see him. His ex was also always happy to see him.

My boyfriend would always ask why I did not understand this situation. He asked why I did not understand how happy it made him to keep contact with his ex. He said he was afraid of losing those he once had in his life. He also seemed to see no fault in his ex-wife, yet he readily seemed to blame me for problems in our relationship. He claimed that if I would only “relax” and not get upset if he was calling or visiting his ex, things would be okay. He said he wasn’t doing anything wrong and didn’t want to be back with her, so there should be no problem. And, if I showed any emotion about his relations with his ex, either sadness or anger, he would get upset. If I tried to talk to him about anything that bothered me, he would pull away and not talk to me, often for days.

All this has left me hurt and confused. Do I need to learn to relate to him better? Am I being unreasonable about his relationship with his ex and her family? It seems very co-dependent to me, and unhealthy.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Just how much co-dependency and unhealthiness might be present in your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex-wife cannot be ascertained, especially given only the information you provide. What does seem clear is that your boyfriend sincerely considers it mostly his fault that they divorced, and both he and his ex-wife as well as her family want to maintain cordial relations.

You simply must decide whether you want to be in a serious relationship with someone who is so obviously still emotionally involved with someone else. It’s that simple. Perhaps there is nothing more involved but deep emotional ties. Perhaps there is more to their interest in maintaining close ties, but one or both of them is in denial about it. But the choice you face is simple. Namely, do you want to be in a relationship with a person still so involved with someone else? If there’s some unhealthiness or co-dependency at work here, perhaps it has more to do with what keeps you in this relationship despite your distress over the behavior of your boyfriend and his ex.