Reader’s Question

I have a real dilemma. I have a big problem talking to people in my workplace or neighborhood. I feel very very shy and feel like what I might have to say would not interest them. I have left three jobs because I have felt stressed at work and didn’t talk to people at all. This always creates tension at work and makes me dislike my job to the point where I eventually leave it. I see people making jokes about me. I have very low confidence to start with and don’t have the courage even to make eye contact.

Lately, I’ve begun to stammer, and sometimes my voice is not clear even to people sitting near me. Also I have become very emotional, even at work. I try to do meditation to see the positives in life. Since I left my last job, I feel relieved and am feeling very positive about life again. But I’m scared to enter the world again because I fear I will create the same problems I’ve had in the past. Please suggest something.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sure sounds as though you’re suffering from a fair amount of social anxiety and might even have Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). Individuals with SAD often have other complicating emotional problems such as depression and emotional instability.

Intense anxiety in social situations often prompts a person to avoid the situations that cause them the greatest discomfort. By avoiding these situations, however, their anxieties never abate, and they also lose the chance to gain a higher level of confidence in their social interaction skills.

Social anxiety can be treated quite effectively, generally with a combination of medicine and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). But even if you don’t see a professional to help you with your difficulties, there are some steps you can take to break the vicious cycle you describe:

• Don’t focus so much on what unnerves you, causes you discomfort, or what you’d like to avoid. Instead, focus more on what you’d like to have in your life to make it richer and more complete. Then, slowly and steadily embark on a mission to achieve your social goals step-by-step.
• Change your thoughts about the situations that distress you. Examine the things you say to yourself that increase your anxiety and replace those thoughts with some that are likely to reduce your level of apprehension. Do this even if you don’t fully believe what you’re telling yourself.
• Change your expectations for yourself and others. Watch out for the tendency to be unrealistically demanding of yourself and to ascribe the worst intent to others. Be okay with being socially unskilled and accept the fact that anyone can learn to develop their skills.
• Affirm yourself often. Praise and reward yourself for the little steps you take and especially for the effort you make. Sure, you will have some failures. Take them in stride and continue to affirm yourself for taking action to overcome your problem.
• When you experience distress, recognize it as the harmless (but unpleasant) expression of anxiety and instead of interpreting it as a sign you’ll never be “normal” or well, pay it as little heed as possible (even making light of it and your predicament at times using humor, if possible). In a few moments, you’ll start to feel better. If the bad feelings return, you can use the same technique to usher in better feelings again.

So, take heart. Anxiety-related problems can be overcome in relatively straightforward ways and doing so will offer many payoffs with respect to your self-image and self-esteem.