Reader’s Question

I am from Victoria in Australia, and I have been feeling very up and down lately. My happiness seems to depend very much on my social activities. I have a great boyfriend who loves me very much, however I feel like I am missing a best friend to do things with and spend the majority of my time with. Four of my closest friends are each best friends with each other, and I often feel like the 5th wheel.

I have had two best friends in my life. I had a falling out with one 4 years ago, and the other one got involved with party drugs that I did not want to have anything to do with. I’m missing that special friend in my life who would do anything for me and really cares for me. The fact that I once had two people like that in my life and lost them both makes me feel like a failure sometimes. I so badly want to have someone close like that again that I often think if I move away to a different location my problems would be solved.

I know this would seem a minor complaint compared to most other people’s problems. But the whole thing really gets me down. I feel like no one cares about me at all, and all I want is someone I can express my feelings to.

I don’t expect a quick reply, as I could imagine you would get thousands of these emails everyday, but I’m really hoping you can understand how I am feeling.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Everyone needs someone they can trust, relate to, and confide in. Sometimes, if we’re really lucky, we can also find a “best friend” in our life companion. But this is not always the case. And, the truth be told, such very valuable things as an enduring, fulfilling friendship are actually not all that common. The most valuable things in life are often the most hard to find and cost plenty to get. But experts agree that if it’s a solid friendship you want, you can have it if you’re willing to make the effort. Some things you can do:

Make yourself available.

Get out and network as much as possible. You can’t find the right person unless you’re in a situation in which the right person can find you.

Be assertive.

If you find someone you think might be a good friend, take the initiative and invite that person to lunch or engage in an activity together, etc.

Sometimes a change will do you good.

This does not have to be a location change (although it can be) but rather a change in routine or the usual interests and activities.

So, take some steps and find that friend! When things don’t work out, don’t chide yourself for being inadequate. Rather, consider how rare it is (and how valuable) to have the kind of friendship you seem to have always wanted.