Reader’s Question

I’ve always had a mother who is controlling and a perfectionist. But now that I am 31 years old, I see much of her behavior as unacceptable attempts to control me.

I own my own home, but after splitting up with my spouse I had my father co-sign a new loan with me. The property is very valuable and the plan was for my parents, who have always dabbled in real estate, to make their money back when I sell the property next year. Ever since I have been living in the house alone, my mom wants to help me keep things up. This would be great, but it also seems this is primarily a for her to manipulate me and make me over in her own image.

My parents were always strict. Even at age 18 as a senior during graduation I had to beg to have more than an 11:30 curfew. My mom will now call me at 7 am to see if I took my trash out and call me at the end of the month to see if I paid my mortgage. Then she acts surprised that I complete the tasks she thinks she must remind me about. I really want her to believe in me and to trust that I will do the right thing without her nagging me to do so. My mom admits that she doesn’t trust people, and she clearly doesn’t trust me. I feel I have always been given mixed messages from her. I am told that I am loved and that she is proud of me, but she is so critical and mistrusting that it’s hard to FEEL loved.

I am working full-time and getting my master’s degree while living in the home that I once owned with my ex and now own with my father as a silent partner. Still my mom won’t even allow me to fix the house up the way the I want. She always comes over to inspect how I am living. I admit being somewhat disorganized because I am spread so thin finishing my master’s and teaching full-time. But I employ a house keeper, and with the possible exception of my bedroom, my house always looks tidy. If I have to go out of town, my mom moves around furniture, hangs things up on my walls, and goes through my room and drawers under the guise of organizing. If she asks to come over and I tell her it’s not a good time, she gets very upset with me. If I don’t get her permission about doing something to the house, she will threaten to tell my father to stop paying their portion of the mortgage. She tells me to sell the house and go buy something I can afford on my own, so I can live however I want to live. But she also threatens to just not talk to me any more when I don’t do things the way she wants. Is this emotional blackmail?

The main issue is that I don’t think my mother cares about my feelings. I am about to graduate with a master’s degree, having paid my own way, am very successful at work, just paid off my car, hardly ever drink or go out, and volunteer my time. I am a professional dancer with frequent paying gigs, and I am also a very nice dresser and am an extremely friendly, loyal, compassionate person. I rarely hear my mom talk about any of these traits of mine. I have HUGE self-esteem issues, having recovered from anorexic bulimia. I am currently taking Celexa and feel this is very helpful with many of the mind traps that come with an eating disorder (anxiety, depression, etc.). I have always been a little obsessed with being perfect, but I know that it’s not realistic. I am at a point where I know I am a good person, with lots of talents, smart and with a big heart. And yes, house chores are the first thing I let slide when I get stressed out. And I would like to please my mom by doing great things on my own to my home and then showing her I can do great things.

Bottom line: I care about my mom’s feelings, but my mom seems unable to be empathetic and only cares about her own feelings. So, who is there to care about mine? What can I do? My mom has tried to pressure me into therapy. I myself have thought about it but am unsure.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You want what everyone wants: to feel validated and good about yourself. The problem is you want too much of that validation from a source over which you have no control, inviting inevitable disappointment. And you don’t trust yourself enough to declare full emotional independence. A fence is a terrible place to sit, especially a fence with pickets as sharply pointed as the emotional fence upon which you’re perched. It’s time to get off the fence and declare your own life. And if you wish to utilize the support and guidance that can come through therapy, more power to you. In the end, however, it’s going to have to be a lot more about what you think of yourself and a lot less about what your mother thinks of you.