Reader’s Question

I have been with my wife for 18 years, ever since I was 15. We have been married for 10 years. Just two weeks ago, I learned she had an affair with one of my good friends. She has told me that the affair went on for almost a year and that she and my friend only got together 4 times during that period, but I find that hard to believe.

I still love my wife, and I truly believe she loves me. But I cannot get the images out of my head, and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t eat or sleep and have pretty much stopped functioning. The affair is just about all I can think about, and it has me eaten up inside.

Both of us want to try to work things out. She has accepted responsibility for her indiscretions, and I know she is truly feeling guilty, ashamed, and sad about what she has done to me. But I can’t stop obsessing over the actual acts of them being together. Help me, please. I am going insane!!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Obsessions that arise out of a betrayal of trust are among the hardest to deal with. That’s because our whole sense of security as well as our sense of understanding about our relationship gets shaken, causing mental confusion, anxiety, and often, a sense of loss that leads to depression.

Obsessions often grab hold of us and impair our usual sense of control. They also make it difficult for us to heal. So, they need to be dealt with directly. Here are some strategies a cognitive-behavioral therapist might suggest for reducing obsessive thoughts and regaining a sense of control:

1. Catalog the obsessive thoughts, categorizing them by type and ranking them by the degree to which they bother you. “Objectifying” the thoughts helps take away some of the emotional pain attached to them.
2. Take time to deliberately have some of the thoughts — but only for a few seconds each. Then, re-direct your thoughts to something else — anything else, but preferably something more pleasant and that might tend to relax you. You might feel the urge to return to the obsessive thought. If you simply can’t resist the urge, allow yourself to do so, but once again only for a few seconds, and then re-direct your thoughts again and for a longer period of time. As ironic as it might seem, such a strategy can really help you regain a sense of control over your thoughts.
3. Notice where and when you tend to have obsessive thoughts. Then, when the thoughts occur, change your setting or do something different. Distract yourself with activities and surroundings in which you are the least likely to have the thoughts.
4. Reinforce yourself for every effort you make in using the above techniques.

There are many other strategies that can help you restore a more normal sense of control over your thoughts. Gaining such control will really help you deal with all the other issues you’ll have to address as you and your wife attempt to rebuild your relationship. Naturally, it would likely be helpful to seek the assistance of a counselor, especially one who specializes in relationship issues and has expertise in helping people deal not only with obsessions but with all the various emotional reactions that frequently accompany infidelity and other marital problems.