Reader’s Question

I’m a 22-year-old male, and I was abused by my father as a child. It took me a long time to realize that what my father did to me is wrong and probably illegal. He would find a silly reason to punish me and then beat me until I would apologize. He would then smile and say he forgave me and give me a hug. If I didn’t hug him back, he would start beating me all over again.

I am a grown man now and not afraid to confront my father. I have confronted him a few times, but he either simply says that it never happened or takes rage out on my mother because he can’t do so with me anymore.

I really hate my father for what he did, but I don’t want to take any type of revenge. I just want to get over the trauma of what he did. I’m dating a girl now, and I want to give her a proper relationship and not be like my father. But sometimes I will just feel depressed or angry for no reason. And I can’t even have sex with my girlfriend because images of my father abusing me will just pop into my head.

I need to deal with what was done to me so I can go on with my life without all those nightmare and losing sleep. What is the best thing to do to deal with this trauma?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You describe many of the features of post-traumatic stress. Post-traumatic stress sufferers often have bouts of anger and depression, intrusive thoughts and recollections of traumatic events, and difficulty with intimate relationships. In addition, you report many of the difficulties commonly reported by victims of childhood abuse.

You should strongly consider consulting with a therapist who deals with trauma and abuse issues. There are effective therapies available (including a variety of medicines, psychotherapies, and combinations of both) to help you deal with your concerns.

But even before you begin counseling, you can take two steps that will help you to begin the healing process. First, recognize that your father, not you, had a real problem and is totally responsible for the damage inflicted on you. This might seem like a “no-brainer” but it’s important to reinforce this notion quite firmly in your brain. Second, recognize that it’s precisely because of your traumatic experience with your father (who was supposed to be a model for love in your earliest and most significant “intimate” relationships) that you experience such conflicted feelings in your intimate relations with your girlfriend. Coming to learn that not every potentially intimate partner will treat us like the abuser did is a very important lesson to be learned at a deep level if you’re to have the kind of relationship you yearn for.