Reader’s Question

I graduated college last year and have lived away from home for a while. I have had some major issues with both of my parents since I moved out of their house. There have always been ups and downs in my relationship with my mother because she has a dependent, manipulative, addictive personality.

This past weekend, I had a work-related event close to my home, so I stayed at my parents’ place. The last night I was there, my brother was also home. I had been sleeping in his bed because my mother has sleeping problems and sleeps in my bed, while my dad sleeps in their bed by himself. (I know their sleeping arrangement is dysfunctional, but I feel like staying out of that as much as possible.) So the last night, my brother was home and left me without a bed to sleep in. I figured my mother would realize this and not sleep in my bed that night. But this didn’t happen, and I stormed into my room and yelled at her…at midnight. The next day, I was confronted, not by my mother, but by my father who said my “outburst was unacceptable.” When I yelled at my mom that night, I also told her that I wasn’t coming home for the holidays, so now I’ve also been bombarded by phone calls and messages from both of my parents. I actually will be going home for the holidays (because I really have nowhere else to go), but I just want to be able to stand up for myself without causing major drama and stress for myself. I’m seeing a therapist, who’s a psychoanalyst, but I feel like I need some immediate defensive tactics to ward off my parents’ crazy behavior.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It seems that there’s enough dysfunction to go around in your family of origin. But now that you’re involved in therapy, have completed your education, and are trying to get your life together, it’s best not to focus on the “crazy” behavior of your parents or anyone else. Rather, focus on the skills you need to cope with the various stresses you’re likely to encounter in life and work on developing the assertive skills to “stand up” for your legitimate wants and needs without engaging in inappropriate behaviors that create drama but also perpetuate dysfunction. Give yourself credit for engaging in the self-development efforts you’ve already made, including your therapy, and keep your focus on the eventual goal of being able to function in a healthy, independent, and mature fashion — regardless of the “crazy” behaviors you might encounter at home or in the world at large.