Reader’s Question

I am convinced that my mother has some kind of disorder. She has expressed some personality traits from my childhood on, and as I have reached adulthood, I have noticed that it is causing more and more family problems. My biggest concerns are her exaggerations. She often will piece together bits of a story or facts, and then in a very elaborate production, relate these ideas as absolute truth when in fact it is obvious to everyone around her that she doesn’t have any idea what she is talking about. Even when she is shown the actual truth in a book or on the internet, she will insist that her version is correct. Others have expressed the belief that this is possibly due to dementia or early Alzheimer’s. But I absolutely do not believe this is true. I say that because my mother is an intelligent and “with it” person in many ways. She is one of the most charming and manipulative people I have ever encountered, and to be as manipulative as she is takes some intelligence. She knows how to try to set people up to get her way. As far as I know, all the traits and characteristics she has have been displayed by her from as far back as I can remember.

I think she has a Cluster B Personality Disorder. She is extremely sensitive to criticism and creates situations out of nothing. She also shows a large lack of empathy for others, and she will speak for hours about herself, or her relatives, and how they were wealthy, privileged, or of noble birth without asking once how the other person is. If you are lucky enough to be asked how you are doing, the information that you share with her will quickly be made into a criticism or passive-aggressive comment. The more information you share with her, the more ammunition she has for her put-downs. She is not terribly concerned with her own appearance, but pays a great deal of attention to the outward appearance of others — both socially and physically. She will always absolve herself from any kind of guilt, no matter what she’s done.

She casts herself as a martyr and good-deed doer despite mediocre evidence for either. She will speak of former romantic conquests in front of my father, and seemingly intentionally make him uncomfortable. No one can have a conversation, watch television, work, or do just about anything without her interrupting to tell a story, show us a painting she did, tell about a great book she read, etc., etc. If you ask her more about a book she said she read, she would give a brief, inaccurate, mythical account of what was actually written (and we wouldn’t know if she hadn’t really read the book, skimmed over it, or is having genuine memory problems or delusions).

In my interactions with her, she will passively put me down on a consistent basis — so much so, that sometimes I think that she could be very jealous of me. At the same time in outside conversations, she will tell all of her friends and family about my achievements and awards, and even elaborate on those so that I look even more accomplished than I actually am. She will intentionally say something to put me down, make me mad or upset and then act like a victim or pout when I confront her about what she has said. At times, she will physically lash out in a very weak way (push away hands, throw a tantrum, etc.). She consistently tries to relay incorrect facts and knowledge to me in my own field of expertise, and insists that I am the incorrect individual. She always tries to passively impress upon me that she is the more intelligent person, and that her judgment and knowledge is infallible. At times, it becomes embarrassing and almost comical if I am around friends or co-workers.

I think it is also important to mention that her brother also has some of the same B cluster traits but expresses them in different ways. He creates conflicts, is very outwardly aggressive, and goes into bouts of isolation. Dealing with both of them is ridiculously challenging, because I often feel like I am navigating in a dream world or an altered reality.

When I was younger, I actually thought these behaviors were normal. Now that I’m older I know neither of them are healthy. We just don’t know how to do address this and be effective.

My mother drains our energy with her self absorption, gossip, drama, and lack of empathy for others’ needs. But she is family, and we love her. We just want to know how to plot a course through these waters.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Sometimes it’s not possible to place someone in a singular, reliable category. Some of the behaviors you describe do indeed sound like a personality disturbance. But in addition to the features that resemble the Cluster B personality types (especially the Histrionic and Narcissistic types), there are some other features you report that are not common to those types and which suggest a more eccentric type of character. And there are individuals whose personality is shaped by an atypical clustering of traits.

The fact that your mother is intelligent and charming and has exhibited problem characteristics for years does not completely negate the possibility that she could also be experiencing some sort of cognitive decline causing her to confabulate.

Take care to confront necessary issues without hostility but with some empathic understanding that something in your mom’s makeup is distorting reality and making life difficult. Confront only the behaviors, not what you suspect might be malevolent intentions prompting them. Be as objective as possible when making judgments about whether your mom is the same person as always or might indeed be showing some signs of decline. And if she is in any way amenable to evaluation and treatment, support and encourage it.