Felt Accepted as an Exchange Student, Now Back in My Home Country and Miserable
Reader’s Question
I’m 19 years old. My question is about constant feelings of loneliness, depression, and failure in life. I was a successful exchange student. While I was away from my home country, I felt appreciated for the first time and learned to not be so shy as I had been. But after I returned home to my own country, I experience people always putting me down again, and I have become shy once more.
Many of my friends are again leaving to go to college abroad. I’m feeling so unfortunate, lonely, and envious because I cannot do the same. I’m stuck at home 24/7 and don’t really have much of a chance because my family is poor, and I have no scholarships. Complaining about my situation to my friends only makes me feel worse and lonelier. So, I just cry alone. I feel like a loser who no one would like, or even want to talk to. So now I hate my life as well as my country. I hate it all.
Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply
Depending on external sources of validation and approval is always risky business. If you’re in an environment that’s supportive, you might feel great. But then if you find yourself in a more hostile, critical environment, you can easily feel worthless. It’s less risky to base your sense of worth on your own appraisal of your unique gifts, talents, and most especially, your adherence to values. One way to become less dependent on external sources of validation is to engage in self-affirmations.
Most of us don’t engage in self-affirmations because we don’t take the time to do so or because we don’t recognize the importance of doing so. Try writing down the things about yourself that you know to be of value. Then make positive self-statements when you encounter situations that “invite” you to feel inadequate or ashamed. Do this even if your heart is not in it. And do it frequently. In the end, you’ll come to realize that the key to your self-esteem lies not in those who appear to appreciate you or even in the place that you reside, but rather in the value you ascribe to yourself. People may indeed be challenged by the values of their culture and their financial resources. But many times the greatest challenge they have to overcome is deficient confidence in themselves. So, start making those positive self-statements today. And if you need some help staying the course, seek out a counselor who specializes in the area of personal growth and development.
