Reader’s Question

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year now. When we first got together, she was very reserved emotionally, and I was extremely open. We quarreled a lot in the beginning because of our communication barriers, and eventually it led to my breaking up with her, my heart closing and no longer wanting to be in the relationship. She was extremely hurt. For some reason, we still were in contact with each other, and she would talk to me about how she is opening up to new concepts and being good to herself. So sometimes I would end up back at her house and we would get close again. Then in a moment of extreme emotions between us I told her that we will take it slowly. This was a few weeks after I broke up with her. In the moment it felt right, but now I feel that I don’t love her in the way I used to. In the beginning my heart was very open. Now it is very reluctant to open, and now she is on the opposite end, loving me very much. I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t know if I will ever love her unconditionally, which I am trying to be extremely honest with myself in saying.

I appreciate any feedback in this situation.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It sounds like the two of you are on different train schedules. Just when your “love train” is ready for departure, you get a passenger that is desperate to hop on board. The sad thing is that you are both at opposing ends of the continuum. When you and she first got together, you were enthused about getting to know her and being close with her. Her emotional dawdling did not do her any favors with you, to be sure. It resulted in your pulling back emotionally. Now that she has thawed, you seem to find yourself reluctant to allow her a wider emotional berth. This is a pretty common tango that lovers play with one another: the back and forth pull of one partner or the other. If you are not feeling as connected to her as you would like to be, it does not do her any favors to send her signals that could be misinterpreted. Of course, the two of you could invest in some couples counseling in order to discover whether there is a chance of the relationship surviving. But if you are not feeling love for her, it would be best to let her know that your feelings about the relationship have dwindled, and that it is probably best that the two of you go your separate ways. For yourself, you may want to engage in some counseling to discover any behaviors or beliefs that may be holding you back from having the kind of relationship that you really want.